Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Not a F___ing Word

Last week I flew for the first time in years and I decided I needed a strategy for dealing with airport security.

TSA and FTD are a natural clash. Of course it has nothing to do with the fact that they use the logic of a horseshoe trader and were tested and verified for their lack of common sense. It’s the FTD’ers responding to anything said with our brutal honesty with cavalier attitude which gets us quickly into trouble.

FTD’ers at a certain stage cannot keep their mouths shut.  It’s called incessant talking or nonstop chattering. I call it blabbering. My girlfriend turned to me a few weeks ago after a minor supermarket altercation and said, I die a thousand deaths every time you open your mouth. I’m excellent at getting myself quickly into trouble and equally adept at quickly stabilizing situations.

I decided to devise a strategy to keep me out of trouble with the TSA, since I’ve already had past issues. 

I came up with a mantra that I would keep repeating to myself.

(NAFW) - "Not a F___ing  Word

No matter what happened I would continue to repeat this mantra to myself and hopefully stay out of trouble.

I arrived at LaGuardia at 6:45am Easter Day.  It was dead quiet with no line. I went directly to the ID checker and handed him the boarding pass and drivers license (NAFW). Made it.

Next stop conveyer belt and TSA gropers. I stripped down and placed everything on the belt. Then I entered the revolving door Xray machine (NAFW).  Made it. My stuff came though the other side. I had full toothpaste and deodorant etc. with me and fully expected them to be confiscated (NAFW). My toiletries made it without incident. My laptop wasn’t so lucky. TSA guy told me that my laptop needed to be run through separately. I nodded and smile (NAFW). TSA guy then took out my apple laptop, turned it upside down and dropped upside down 4-5 inches into a plastic bin (NAFW). I could barely contain myself, but made it.

The return flight didn’t go so smooth.

I was on the conveyer belt line when a flight crew politely asked to cut in front of me. (Of course) I told them. I had a half finished bottle of water in my bin, which I intended to fill up at the water fountain if it made it through security. I expected I had a 50-50 chance it wouldn’t be confiscated. I was secure with my mantra (NAFW). The flight attendant ahead of me had a partially finished bottle as well.  Her bottle went through unscathed; my bottles fate was to the derelict bin (NA__). I immediately said to TSA guy, “Why wasn’t her bottle confiscated?” His retort, “She’s a flight attendant”.

My FTD mind went right into action. Didn’t a pilot recently have a total breakdown and had to be removed from the aircraft restrained on a stretcher, as well as a flight attendant going into a lunatic rage before exiting through the emergency ramp.

(Not a F___ing Word)

I left quietly. No one except a fellow FTD’er would have any idea of the restraint it took to keep my mouth shut.