Stuff

Oh well. Saw my stuff yesterday. Everything piled up in a small basement room and the building needs it out. They even left the bed frame behind. Diana, the lady in the car is helping sell it. Dr. Laurie also offered to help. She just called me. I missed my appt. with her today. I know I put it in my phone calendar alarm. Will probably go off next year. Last night I sold my bedroom set. My stuff needs to get out. Sold or tossed out. Hey, it's just stuff. 

Guess the bed will be on the floor. Besides that, not a chair, table, dresser, kitchen table or anything for my new place. My whole Arizona apartment will have nothing in it except me, my bed on the floor and a disabled couch. That and the open boxes with who knows what damaged shit. Guess I'm going for the "wide open" look. 

Thinking about canceling my TV installation. Since that and my large pictures were laid down flat with boxes and stuff on top of them, who knows what shape there in. Have nothing to hang them with anyway. My toolbox with tools dating back to Israel was left behind to. Had some prized possessions in it. I feel so violated. Didn't take out insurance, I'm on the poor plan so I'll never see a penny. Contacted Uhaul a number of times. They're ignoring me and not responding. 

Was sort of hoping to have the place a bit like my NYC place so I'd comfortable. Silly fucking me. LOL

Many of you write to me all the time that your amazed at what I'm doing without a caregiver or family around. Loving people dedicated to keep FTD'ers out of trouble while we drive them toward's an early grave. I know I'm sick and getting slowly worse. I've FTD, no Chemo nor magic pill can help me. I'm living independently and doing the best I can. Yes, it's tough. 

At this point I'm pretty sure I FTD'ed the whole fucking thing. Bad decisions and not enough help. I thought I was planning and organizing this out well. I know now I needed someone with me throughout moving day with a full brain.  look at this whole experience. Loading a truck and then having it unloaded and ripping open all the boxes in the middle of a NYC street. Oh yea, FTD baby. Totally aware of what I'm doing, yet no idea how screwed up everything was getting. Of course now when I look back I had plenty of other options. Get a larger drivable truck etc. Could've switched gears, but for a dissolving brain which is hampering my thought process and existence. Each day and struggle I'm hoping helps people understand FTD. Behavior modifications and adjustments. I do the best I can and I know I'm slipping. This is a hell of a way to live, but I'm hanging in there and doing well. These days I'm letting go of my constant screwups faster. Really don't care. I'll get to Scottsdale and rifle through death sales and lots.

Yes, I'm losing my mind, but big deal. I'm going to keep living independently, going to continue to screw up and continue this frantic, fanatic FTD awareness drive of mine. The blog will continue, the documentary "Howard's Brain" will be filmed till I drop, my book, "I'm Aware that I'm not Aware" will be finished and my FTD Patient Support Group will continue on. Arizona is going to be a huge success for me and hopefully translate to others. There is no failure allowed in my world. I'm going to continue to kick FTD's ass all over the Universe. My resolve will not be dampened. 

BTW -  The filmmaker Joe Becker contacted me within 10 minutes of learning the camera got damaged. He's arranged for me to pick up a new one right now. Your the man Joe. The camera is not cheap.

My friend Sheila suggested I ask for donations here on the site. My main reason for leaving NYC is so I can try to live independently without fundraisers, donations or living on peoples generosities. I hate being a charity case. I'm doing what I can to reverse my retroeconomic situation. Didn't expect this to happen. People keep telling me I need to accept that I will always help.

Not the kind of new start I was looking for. I had really nice stuff. But it's only stuff. Enough mourning over the old. I'll be going for a Western Look in Arizona. Have some cattle grazing on my wide open living room. Hey, can use some pets for company.

If anyone wants to help, the donate yellow button on the top right of this page is still active. What can I say, I need help now and I guess I'll always need some. The real help I need isn't in a death sale or box of Lucky Charms. Maybe I'll get lucky some day and have that magical person appear. Do you believe in miracles? I do.

Love to all,

Howard

Total Disaster

Well sometimes FTD gets very real and things crash. Yesterday was as bad as it gets. Was up early yesterday and posted a blog before getting to work. Started moving the boxes down at daybreak to the basement which would be my staging area. I was in a zone and wouldn't be deterred by weight, size or human distraction. There was absolutely no organization of what would go down in what order.    I know my deficiencies and wouldn't try to plan or organize it. Just get it all downstairs. That would save hours in paying the movers that were coming. That was the mission. At 1pm, two movers were coming to load the U haul Pod. I was assured of there Uhaul expertise since I hired them through Uhaul and was confident they knew how to maximize space and work efficiently. Yep, and I'm  going to b the next mayor of NYC.

Up and down, Up down, up down,  chic chac. Yes.

Got it done.

The mechanical street cleaning was done from 11:30am to 1pm. As soon as the truck went by I would block the street in front of the building. At 12pm three of my boxes were in the street and cars were filling up the precious NYC parking spots with drivers sitting in there cars as not to get ticketed by the infamous NYC Meter Maids. 

12:30pm. The Professional Uhaul movers show up early. I'll name them Genius 1 and Genius 2. Took the Geniuses up to the apartment and showed them the furniture and bed that needed to be moved. Now I was mentally prepared to hear that it may not all fit and already had a plan for leaving a couple of things behind. They assured me it would all fit in the Pod and they'd done this many times before. Yes, confidence was high. These guys had there shit together.

Shortly before 1pm a car started back up toward's my boxes in the street. Of course the driver had to see them. I watched as the car kept backing up and backing up. Come on, it had to stop. As the car started to run over my box Genius 1&2 started shouting and I launched myself off the stoop yelling till I reached the car and pounded on the window. The car stopped and the window opened. A brilliant disarming smile came from the passenger side window. It was Judy, the woman who was moving into my apartment once I move out. She and the driver Di had no idea they were running over my box. I told Judy I changed my mind and wasn't going to move :-) We checked the box out. I had no idea what was in it and wasn't opening. Told them not to worry. They invited me into the car. Of course I was filming and put the camera in the back window. Di was incredibly sexy and had a low cut dress with plenty of cleavage showing. Yea, yea, yea. It took me all of a minute to tell her what incredible tits she had. She took it in stride and the three of us discussed FTD for a while. I explained that it's not like Alzheimer's and memory wasn't effected to much in the early stage. Mostly behavior, executive functions yada, yada. Told them my story. They then went upstairs. Oop, left the camera in the car running. No memory issues here.

The Pod came shortly after and Genius 1&2 told me everything was okay and they'd get everything packed in no problem. Told them I'd go to the restaurant across the street. Hey, I let professionals do there job and get the fuck out of the way. I ordered lunch and my phone rang. It was Genius 1. Houston, we have a problem. They got the bed and box spring in and there was no way everything was going to fit. In fact, the bed took up almost half the Pod.  I have a normal queen size bed. Both David and Steve helped me with measurements earlier and I knew it was going to be tight but............Cancelled lunch and went back. Genius 1 said they pack the boxes and see what room is left and get what furniture they could in. Once they finished there it was full with no room for furniture. Not one piece. I freaked out. Started cursing at the Uhaul rep on the phone till she hung up on me. It was suppose to fit my stuff. I was going nuts on the sidewalk. This was costing me close to $3,000 and I couldn't bring my shit. 

I lost my balance walking empty-handed and fell. Empty handed with the exception of my Camera. In an instant "Howard's Brain" was put on hold. Pieces broke off the camera. Right now I'm in a wee bit of pain typing with my swollen hand which possibly has a broken bone. To make matters worse I slammed it on a box later out of frustration. It still turns on but is dead.

My friend Laurie was walking by. She calmed me down. We all spoke and decided to take the boxes out and I'd go through the boxes and get rid of unnecessary items and throw out whatever. Laurie also called Brano, my building superintendent. We needed someone with a hight functioning brain who had there shit together. Great move Laurie. She and Brano helped a situation which quickly was cascading out of control. Then load up my dressers, couch etc. Genius 1 & 2 agreed. Confidence was not high. In fact, I was exhausted and heading out of control. We spoke about overtime. The professional mover Geniuses got $12.50 an hour. 

I took the geniuses out for Pizza lunch and then back to work.

Things were quickly spiraling out of control. 


The geniuses were now dragging my couch on the cement, couch arms down. The protection  coverng  it stripped off from the pavement. I noticed the bottom frame for the pullout bed was bent. The Geniuses had the competency of the Asiana pilot that crashed at San Francisco Airport.  Now my couch was damaged.  I later found the couch leg by the elevator.

Now all the boxes were in the street and I was opening them with a screw driver. Piercing the tape and yanking soon went into a rage of stabbing the boxes to death repeatedly not caring about what was inside. I can't decide what to eat for lunch and now I'm going through all these boxes. I tried to organize boxes I knew to take on one side but Genius 2 kept moving them. I was totally Fucking confused. Taking out shoes, underwear, my death suit. Food cans. Neighbors and people were stopping and staring. Boxes and shit were all over the sidewalk. Neighbors came over later and told me they've never seen anything like it.

The Uhaul manager them called. We spoke and argued. I asked for a discount on another Pod. Patrick said Uhaul doesn't do that. I told I felt deceived etc. He said he'd call me back. Never did.

Genius 2 then grabbed the "now' garbage bag (clothes, pictures). I turned and he was now putting my designated garbage back in the truck. 

Small portion of the sidewalk

I stood up and surveyed the entire situation. Shit everywhere. Geniuses. At that exact moment I knew exactly how the Captain of the Titanic felt. Run Howard Run. Just go. Head to the Subway. JFK Airport and next flight to Phoenix. Just go. Write all the shit off. Shaking my head I turned to walk. The phone rang. A savior, Dr. Laurie again. She brought me back to planet earth, but I was far gone. 

Geniuses were bringing my furniture dressers. kitchen table etc. back into the building and back up to the apartment.

My building Superintendent Brano then showed up and took charge of the whole situation. he got in the truck and directed the  Geniuses and me on what to do . They loaded the couch and boxes back in. All the boxes were open and plastic garbage bags with my stuff were loaded. I later went to the truck and noticed boxes all falling into other boxes because they were all open. stuff wasn't going to be everywhere. My fairly new TV was sideways with other stuff piled on. Brano was doing the best he could, but everything was open and everywhere. We would be there all night to repack. Shit everywhere. Heard glass breaking more than once. 

Geniuses hadn't a clue what they were doing and there gross incompetence just fucked up my life. 

The door was closed with stuff falling out against it. Once that door was opened in Arizona, everything would come piling out. 

I walked back to the stoop exhausted and in shock. My thoughts were total loss. 

Now it's Tuesday morning and I'm heading back to my apartment. Everything needs to be out. My Teak dressers and all my other stuff will be sold for nothing of thrown out. Brano said he would store it but I've no money to ship it. I'm at a total loss. I will have nothing in Arizona but a bunch of broken shit in boxes and bags. Anything protecting anything is off. Couch probably destroyed as well. I've no idea what I'm going to do. Underwear, socks clothing on the floor of my Arizona apartment. No tables, bed frame nothing. Everything in NYC.

Last night I was having dinner at a restaurant and an old friend Elga called me over. Neighbors contacted me about Elga over a year ago. She had dementia and nobody  was able to help her. I helped Elga get medicaid, full time home health aide and into the Riverstone program for those with dementia. She was telling those at the table how I saved her. Other neighbors came over to the table shaking there heads and told it was horrible what happened in the street and they were going to call Uhaul.

I then started crying.

Howard

Leaving the Heights. Moving Day

Well, had pizza. Surprise, surprise. Packed all my plates so I ate it out of a large plant saucer. Alright I admit it. It still had dirt in it. Big deal, just a little potting soil. Was filming my packing at the time so I guess it's in the film. At least I put a napkin on my lap while having this epicurean feast (right, lol).

Did get a break from the packing. A dear friend and one of my docs, Dr. Laurie Mullen took me out for dinner. I'll miss Laurie. She's been with me since I got to NYC 5 years ago and has helped me all the way through. Never blinking at my craziness.

Dr. Laurie Mullen

Still packing. Had some help from my friends David and Steve. Both helped me for an afternoon. David got the fragiles done for me. Steve who was the king of efficiency. Steve helped me pack the furniture and organize. With Steve's expert tutelage, The place was transformed and I can even see what I'm doing.

The night before I had a huge Tug of War with my frug. I have a large persian area rug in my bedroom which takes up most of the room. Queen side bed without a queen on the middle. How does FTD screw you up. I could not figure out where to move the bed to get the rug out. Around and around the room I went. Pushing the bed to different areas of the room, only to be blocked by end tables, chairs, dressers. Lifting the bed, tugging at the rug. Cursing and yelling like a maniac with the music blasting in the background. Couldn't figure it out. I was drenched in sweat. Finally, finally got the rug out. It was an orgasmic experience.

Steve and I went out for lunch. While on the street, Steve sees an old friend Phil Hartnett. Phil was living in Rhode Island and was back in the neighborhood with some old friends who also moved away. Within a minute we were hugging and laughing. We were friends growing up. I didn't even recognize him. Haven't seen him since the 80's when I started on my universal gypsy trek. Before long two others that were Phil joined us, Jimmy and Tommy. Haven't seen either of those since the early eighties either.  We were all hugging, screaming and laughing. Spent an hour reminiscing and catching up.  What a fitting moment for my last weekend living in Washington Heights.

 Tommy, me, Jimmy, Steve and Phil

The Boys

Today is moving day. I'm wrapped in confusion. Friends, people want things but don't pick them up so I don't know what's for who. Then I give away or sell something I promised. I'm sure when I think about it now I should have been telling people to take things or putting a note on stuff. I've done 90% of the packing and am running on empty. Hey, I've friends that would've gladly helped me. But I'm as an asshole and did it myself over the last few weeks. I have to work as hard as I can not to succumb to FTD. I'm driven to do what I'm not suppose and can't do and am almost manic in my desire to cling to my own humanity. Now it's 6:11am and I'm about to start taking all the boxes downstairs. My friend reminded me last night I have a heart condition. That and Hangtoe. At 12:30pm the pod and movers come.

Went to the Monkey Room last night. Had a couple of beers and met a nice couple. They were a perfect couple. He a young history Phd professor. She a MA psychology student who wants to be a dating site shrink. She could've been a model. We talked me, FTD, a bit of them and of course her beautiful body parts and sex. Of course as I'm writing right now I'm realizing what I said to her. Someone should take out life insurance on me. Don't  know what my life expectancy will be in Arizona. Of course I also asked them about there sex life. They both radiated and kept cutting each other off expressing how fantastic there sex is. How fun is that. Went home alone and frustrated of course. LOL

Also went out with for dinner with a good friend of mine Alice. Asked the waitress if she had a new boyfriend. Alice told me I was getting out of control. Chelsea is a pretty southern belle. She declared it's July and she always has good luck dating in July. Of course I asked if she's having great sex. Yes she said beaming. She went on about a date with dinner, a show and of course great sex after.

Clinically, you could say I'm back in the hypersexual stage with sexual jokes, comments and me perpetually horny. Keep thinking of Arizona, getting in shape and having great sex myself.

The other day I gave up on selling stuff. Just couldn't deal with putting up signs and dealing with people. Exhausted and overwhelmed. Boom. Pissed at myself for failing. I needed to sell my shit because I need the money. Put up the fucking signs and sold almost everything in hours. Talked FTD to anyone who crossed my doorstep and met some new, really nice people. One really nice guy and writer whose published on Amazon spoke to me about the ins and outs of Amazon books (Kindle). Looking forward to finishing my book in Arizona. There's a wonderful stuff and a lot ugliness that's happened in the last few years. I've decided to disclose all. I used to fret over this and the hurtful truth. Now, I really couldn't give a shit. Apathy huh.

Closed a deal on a car. Have a used Mini Cooper waiting my arrival in Scottsdale. I won't be driving much. Starbucks and Supermarkets. Am really excited about it.

Time to post and move boxes to the basement. I will keep forging ahead.

Howard

FTD and Gypsying it

I feel like I'm time warped. On the cover of Rolling Stones magazine was the Boston Bomber. The news programs are talking about how the magazine is glorifying the bomber/terrorist. For days now I've been wondering what all the fuss is about. After all the Boston Strangler was caught when I was a kid. The most I remember is that it was a movie starring Tony Curtis. This morning the news shows were discussing a policeman's photograph's of the bomber and I finally got that I was FTD time warped and though I've been watching the same thing over and over, I just wasn't getting it.

The move has been going well with slow steady progress. I've arranged for internet and TV in Phoenix. The phone calls took literally hours. Direct TV and Century Link is like dealing with a bunch of sleazy used car salesman. They keep throwing a different price at you with specials every 5 minutes. Free programming for 3 months but you need to call an cancel or the price goes up. You get $5 discount for a year for having A- blood, after a year it goes up $20 a month, your locked in for 24 months but you can lower your price,  you get free installation, 10 minutes later I'm told I have to pay $25 for shipping and handling. What? Yo Buddy, what the fuck is the monthly cost? Yesterday morning, I got a call from a, "Candy from Bundles". Who the fuck are you? I thought it was some sleazy God knows what company. Turned out Candy was from the Internet company Century Link needing to make an internet installation to "Bundle" with my TV. Turned out Candy was incredibly sweet. We had a long FTD conversation. I asked her out on a date in Arizona. She agreed but there was that small problem that she lived in North Carolina. Oy, the minutia in life. She also told me her internet price goes up $5 after 6 months but I could cancel at any time. Candy was very sweet, no pun intended. I told her I was thinking of canceling my TV service. To expensive and confusing. She also told me about Hulu which is really cheap internet TV. 

I did change my move in date from August 14th to the 12th. This way I would spend less time doing the wandering Gypsy thing. Made my internet installation on the morning of August 12th, with the Direct TV coming in the afternoon. You have to love when a plan comes together. Guess what, I realized this morning my belongings aren't due into Phoenix till August 14th. Great, what would life be without confusional FTD fuckups. Still waiting to hear that I've been misdiagnosed and I suffer from really have Flufferfoot which is caused by my advanced case of Hangnail. Take 2 aspirin and I'm cured. Back to work and a normal life. Dream on Howard. 

So I researched Hulu which is internet streaming TV. I get confused with my normal cable now and this looked like it was going to be a task to learn and keep relearning like I need to do now with everything in life. Spoke to my ex-wife who gave me good advice that it would be confusing for me to do Hulu. Guess I'll stick with Direct TV, even though there sleaze bag billing practices challenge my retroeconomic budget plan.

I move out July 30th and into my new place August 12th. People keep asking me where I will be in between. Things work out one way or another. I'll be staying with my friends Steve and Sheila for the first half.

Have been having huge problems filming "Howard's Brain" with me erasing, losing and misplacing memory cards. It's hard work filming and I'm now frustrated to the point that I'm ready to stop filming till I can get help or get my shit together. I'm discouraged to the point I don't even want to pick up the camera anymore.

Last night I was on the phone with an FTD'er. I told her about my filming woes and I'm about to hang it up for a while. She told me she saw the Kickstarter "Howard's Brain" clip and it was like watching herself. She had her family and friends watch it so they now had a firmer understanding of FTD and what was going on with her. Even her neurologist had seen it. She told me how important me making the film and my work is to so many. Even her kids know my blogs. Told her that I was just and asshole that fell in shit, but she didn't believe me. Anyway she helped me immensely. I'm picking up the camera again and will keep on keeping on. I'll be looking forward to staying with this FTD'er and her family in beautiful Colorado on the second leg of my Gypsy trek towards Arizona. Yes, I will be filming it all.

Well, I'm already for Arizona but is Arizona ready for me?

Howard

You Up?

Did you just wake up? This is a question I repeatedly get from people on the street and on the phone. I just tell everyone yes. Life has me in a sort of in a fog and it shows. I've moved plenty in my life, both cross country and international. Nothing has rivaled the discombobulated ways of this move. All the usual plans and organizing needs to be done with me failing royally by normal standards. Yes, I've made lists of people to call, change of address, electricity, movers, phone, boxes, used cars etc, etc... Then money, budget and expenses..... Forget it, everything is just pieces of paper with redundant information on them. I keep writing them and find them everywhere. It's like the post it stage I went through years ago. Post it's everywhere and I realized after a long time I was never looking at them. I spend my days now wandering from room to room, loading half a box here, throwing out old stuff there. Came up with a moving Mantra, "When in doubt, throw it out". I wander back and forth room to room half the time just looking then back to my bedroom where I turn on the TV and lay down for a while. While laying down overwhelmed an epiphany arrives in my partial FTD'er brain. Call to cancel electric, boom done and another victory for this FTD'er. On and on it goes day after day. Does it get frustrating? Couldn't get my tape gun working so I smashed it into smithereens against the wall. Made me feel and sure showed that tape gun whose boss.  LOL. 

Hey, guess what? By FTD standards I'm kicking ass. Finished packing more than half my apartment, movers arranged, used car picked out and I believe I haven't dropped the ball in any big way.The calls are being made and it's all getting done. My friend David is arranging for a moving party, but it might be done by then. Going to miss my friends and NYC. It's time to go, but no one likes to be forced out. Last night I ran into a friend at the Supermarket. She asked me when I'm moving and when I'm moving in. I move out of my apartment July 30th and into my new digs August 14th. She asked when I'm going to Arizona and where I'll be staying in between. I've absolutely no fucking idea. Haven't thought that out or figured that out. It will come together. I will stay somewhere and I will wind up in Arizona by Aug. 14th. Lots of stuff falling through the cracks. Big deal, couldn't care less.

At the end of the rainbow lies Scottsdale, Arizona and a fresh start for me and my bud FTD. I'm going to make this work, failure is not an option in my mind. Was with someone not long ago that pointed out to me that this is how my life has been. My successful career was with an unknown Japanese technology company Riso. I was the first sales rep hired in NYC to sell an unknown product with an unknown technology from an unknown company to the toughest marketplace in the world. Year after year I was the number one rep. No matter what obstacles got in my way I kept going. Had that career for about 17 years and moved up to the top tiers of the organization. My friend told me I always found a way to get the job done no matter what. Loved what I was doing then and I love what I'm doing now.  

Difference is now I'm slowing losing my mind and it's tougher to regroup and find successful ways to get things done. Have filmed over 200 hours "Howard's Brain".  I have the memory SD Cards labeling 1-10. Not sure when that got mixed up but for a long time I just grab any card. Months ago I accidentally lost or erased a card, since then I told the filmmaker Joe Becker I'd be sending one card at a time because I can't keep track anymore. Now I'm recently back from Arizona and I don't know if I sent him that card, lost it or it's around. Then while packing I found 3 SD Cards in a CD case. Not sure if he has those or not. What does this all mean? I'm losing it and I know it. 

I'm hoping to get some help in Arizona in the way of an intern or something. I need help with "Howard's Brain" and other projects I'm working on. Hopefully I'll find some help and if not, well I will just keep going for as long as I can. 

Was in the pharmacy the other day. An old man cut in front of me as I was getting a BP script. I said, "Hey can't you see I'm here first and talking." He retorted nastily that he "called" in advance. I looked at the pharmacist and him and said, "This isn't a restaurant with reservations, it's a pharmacy, if you would've asked I would've let you ahead. Now, fuck you, you can wait till I'm done." Old man said, "you want fuck me, I'll go outside and pull down my pants." 

Well the pharmacist and counter people now had that here we go again look. I turned to them and suggested since they don't take reservations they start handing out Bakers tickets.

It went on and on with me telling he's lucky we're in a pharmacy and to tell counter people which lube he wants. Told him I don't do that so he needs to pick out a tool.........

Ugh, as I sit here writing I'm sighing and shaking my head. As usual, I'm aware that I'm unaware of my actions till after the fact. FTD.

9am. Time for pizza.
*Pizza was left over from last night when I was wandering from store to store not being able to figure what to eat. Went home and ordered Pizza as usual.

Howard

Moving

Earlier today I ran into my building superintendent Brano. He told me he's going to miss me and anytime I want to move back to NYC he'll have an apartment for me. What a guy. Brano runs the building like a submarine captain. Spotless, uninvited guests like mice and cockroaches need not apply. Over the years Brano has found me in the streets confused and taken me home. He also knocks on my door when he doesn't see me for a while just to make sure I'm okay.  Brano asked to come up to my apartment to see my A/C's and other stuff. I showed him what I wish to sell and he made a list of the items and what I wanted to charge. Then he shocked me by saying he'll buy it all for my price. A gift for me and now I won't have to worry about selling it. I can never die because life's breathe of selfless acts never ceases to amaze me. Brano asked me when I was officially moving. Last day of July. I'll be moving with a U Haul Pod. Of course I'm sure I'll screw things up a bit, but in the end I'll be moved. I'm going to miss my friends, the support systems I have around me and the amazing neighborhood I grew up in. I've had countless selfless people helping me and showing me love since I've been diagnosed. I'm hoping the FTD advocacy has made me worthy of that help.

Nine days in Arizona and I was not going to come home empty-handed. It felt right being there. Affordability which would reverse my NYC retroeconomic situation,  closer to my children, excellent Assisted Living for the future, clean, larger and quieter Starbucks every mile on the mile. Then there's the wonderful people from ALFA. I'm really hoping I  can make a bigger contribution in FTD awareness with a bit of there direction.

Was hoping to visit Tucson and Sedona, but the mission was clear. Find an area suitable for my FTD ass to live in. My normal anything that can go wrong, will go wrong FTD world was at it's heightened alert status. Time to pull the plug and make a decision as I was approaching the final day. Shit I can't even decide what to eat, never mind where to live. I was totally confused, each place I visited had advantages and disadvantages. Was trying to find a place I could live without a car, but that proved impossible. Finally on the last day I decided on a place that was low rent and close to Old Town Scottsdale. Only disadvantage is I need to go to an on site laundromat to do my wash. Big deal.  Starbucks is less than a mile a way. In fact, did my last blog there. Still need a car to get to supermarkets etc. Plus you can't walk to far in 110 -119 degree heat. Found that out last week.  I'm really looking forward to being in a position where I'll be able to be more productive in my work and life. NY and I have been losing it for a while now.

The complex I'll be moving to, Scottsdale Springs has a swimming pool, gym, free bike and movie rentals, outdoor bbq etc. The apartment even has a patio."Can't beat that with a schtick" - Walter Schtozer - 32B. Now I just need to make sure I don't get into an FTD rut and don't leave the apartment. Anything is better than me wandering the same street here every night. I'm actually planning on getting myself into strict routines so that doesn't happen. Routine, routine, routine. Probably the most important thing in an FTD'ers life. Without routine, my mind will soon have me imprisoned in my bedroom, rarely leaving it. On the flight home I took out all the paperwork for my new home. Of course when I got home I realized all the paperwork was still on the plane LOL.Oops, FTD.  Oh well, I refuse to get upset about minutia in life. I've to much to celebrate. 

Scottsdale, AZ

Had a wonderful luncheon with the my friends from ALFA. There going to help me a bit getting settled into AZ. We discussed possible FTD awareness work with the Assisted Living community. What an exciting opportunity.

FTD can destroy a life quickly or slowly take it apart with family and friends in it. Me, I'm lucky enough to be going for the slow kill off. Luck and positive attitude will get you a long way in life. I've FTD, but I refuse to give up on making the best positive life for myself. I will continue to forge ahead and will not deviate to have a life of happiness and purpose. I'm also not alone. I'm thrilled that a friend of mine and fellow FTD'er from my group Peter has announced that he will be getting married. Peter is a great guy and like me is determined not only to live life, but make the most of it. He is also very clear he's getting married out of love and not looking for a caretaker. She'd already undertaken that task which he is extremely grateful. I wish Peter and his bride to be all the happiness in the world. Yes, we have that FTD strangeness, but we're still alive and making a life.

The FTD Patient Support Group is a group I might have created, but I am so proud to be a member. I've never been part of such a close knit group of people that are in a literal unending fight against an enemy that never backs down or stops. Yet, these brothers of mine keep fighting, laughing and making the most of life. The 70+ members from 10+ countries epitomize what the human spirit and life is all about.

I want to thank everyone who contributed to Gofundme as well as my friends who set the site up. The site has been taken down since I will be leaving NY. I'll be using that money to move and get settled in Arizona. My expenses are going to be much lower than NYC and I will live within my means. The main reason I'm moving is because I hate being a charity case. Yes, I've friends and many that constantly argue with me logically that I'm not a charity case but.........  that's how I feel.  I could use some help with the move and get settled in. If you'd like to help and donate, there is a Yellow Donate button on the Top Right of this Blog page. This is Paypal and it's safe to use Visa, Mastercard etc. Thank you very much. My goal is to be independent in Arizona. 

Never expected to move at this point in my life. Changes and adapting to change. That's life.

Howard

Arizona Update

Have been in Phoenix for 6 days and I'm doing the best I can. I'm on a mission to find the best area to move to. Phoenix is huge and the grid is laid out better than any city I've ever been to. Impossible to get lost here. Navigation has always been strong for me, but this is a well laid out city for any FTD'er. Between the layout and my GPS I haven't been confused driving at all. If I'm not sure where I am I just keep driving and run into a major artery. Simple is nice.

As far as finding a place. Well that's not been that easy. I started way up North in the Boonies where it would be cheaper and quiet. There I could do my FTD work unbothered and unimpeded.The apartment I found was great and cheap. 10 years ago before I got sick this was the type of area I dreamed of retiring to. Sedona. After 2 days I realized I was living a dream. This was out in the middle of nowhere and I would be totally isolated. I would never have human contact. There was a small mall 15 minutes away I visited with a TGIF and Red Robin. That sealed the deal. If I moved to the Boonies I would not only keep losing my mind to FTD, but would go insane.

Luckily I have had a friend from ALFA, Rita helping direct me to different areas. I have plenty of maps and real estate mags as well as online apartment hunting sites. Only problem is I can't organize or plan anything. Man, years ago I'd be on top of this. Every minute of the day and every place organized with appointments. Now I'm on a wing and a prayer. Ripping out pages, copying addresses. Forget it. Reminded me a couple of years ago when I had post it's all around my apartment littering everything. Never looked at them, but filled them out well. LOL. Then filled out yellow pads, then recorded. Recorded myself for hours and never listened to it. Bought a dry/erase board in October and filled it out. Might as well used permanent markers because it was never used once.

Back to the task at hand. So I began Wandering around checking out different areas. Would hit an apartment complex and go in. One after another. As I sit here now I'm totally exhausted. A combination of pushing the envelope and doing more than I should in Arizona heat. Since I arrive 6 days ago it's ranged from 110 to 119 degrees. I would take this heat over NY humidity any day, but it is hot. To hot for long walks or any walks in the summer. I also realize that I would definitely need a car here. I'm an excellent driver, but know I have FTD and would only drive to supermarkets, Starbucks etc. I'm looking for a simple life where I can be productive and do my FTD projects and enjoy my life. Haven't exactly figured out the car thing yet. No question, I need one here. If anyone out there has a decent car there looking to unload, I'll gladly take it off your hands. I need a little bit of a break. Scared of being apartment bound because of the excessive heat.

Phoenix will work out nicely. Closer to my kids. Assisted Living far superior than any I've seen or heard of, but hopefully I won't be checking into the Hotel California anytime soon. Quieter and slower than NYC. No more subways, elevators or crowded supermarkets.

I kept narrowing the search till I found an area in Scottsdale that was affordable and would allow me to sort of be a part of society. Plus there were Starbucks every mile. Of course I'm totally confused as to picking a place. Was hoping to put everything together with a Real Estate broker that specializes in apartments this morning. I've been in contact with him for over a month and was hoping with his expert tutelage, I'd be pointed in the right direction and go home to NYC with the deal sealed. Now I had scoped the area and new what I wanted. Just needed someone to help slam it home. Drove about a half hour to Glen's office this morning. Got there and his colleague told me he wasn't expected in this morning. Great. Told her I was in from NY and we had multiple contacts and a set appt. She called him and left a message. He called her back and gave her a message to tell me he was having car issues. Yea, yea, yea and the check is in the mail. With FTD I have absolutely no tolerance for bullshit. Simple decency of him calling me or having her handing me the phone and him saying sorry I screwed up would've sufficed. She asked if I wanted to reschedule. Pretty much told her to tell him he could go fuck himself. If I wanted to get jerked.......    well, you get the message.

Just focused on going back to the hotel. Once I arrived there my anger, frustration and exhaustion hit me. No running around for me. I'm fried and I know it. In fact, just left the hotel room about an hour ago (5pm) and am at a Starbucks close to where I'd like to live.

I haven't been able to do any of my usual groups, writing or advocacy since I left NY. I want to thank those of you writing to me with your concerns and compliments. Received this one this morning about someone that needs help and it picked me up and got me focused away from the asshole realtor. I'm changing the names.

Jane Doe Where's Howard Glick?? 
John Smith, I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I won't pretend to know what you're going through. I only know FTD from the caregiver's point of view. I do remember though that I went through the disbelief as well. You wants to believe such a disease exists?? We tried to cherish every single day as best as we could. Howard's probably going to be your best resource. He, too, has FTD and is, in my opinion, a hero in the FTD world. 
Stay strong as best as you can, and when you can't, please swing by here and let us know so that we can be strong for you for a while.

I can only keep moving forward with a positive attitude and mindset to get this move done. Thank you all that have been helping me down this difficult road. Many keep throwing negatives at me about moving, Phoenix, driving, support etc. Please give it a fucking break. It's at the point where I need your support and help. If your not able to do this and can only be a purveyor of gloom and doom. Leave me alone. I have a life to build and many things I want to accomplish. 

Howard

FTD Travel Adventures

Going on my second day in Arizona. So far the trip has been going according to FTD style. Drove a friend crazy who was offering to give me a ride to the airport. I told her I would take a bus, then a lift from her, then bus, her, bus, her. Probably changed my partially deleted mind 8-10 times in 12 hrs. Even once in the car I told her to cut a bus off and I'd take it so she wouldn't hit traffic. She drove me halfway to the airport and I took the airport bus from there. When I move from NYC, there will be people that miss me, but many be snickering quietly, "poor Arizona bastards. They have no idea what there in for. Howard FTD is now your problem :-)"

Hey, no one will ever die of boredom being around me.

Well, got off the bus at the wrong Terminal at the airport. I've no idea how. That's a first. airports and air travel are 2nd nature to me. These days I build in hours of extra time for self caused events, so this didn't phase me. Didn't go into stress/anger mode, but was annoyed. Grabbed the airport shuttle van. I realized this was a good time to go into NAFW Mantra mode (Not a Fucking Word) till I arrived in Phoenix. My friend Gary reminds me of NAFW before every trip. God Bless Canada. Bored shuttle driver boy wanted small talk about how people go the wrong terminal. I ignored him rather than FTD him.

Once on board we sat and sat. 30 minutes later the Captain announced we were experiencing a "Performance" delay and it would hopefully be rectified soon. I turned to the person next to and said "performance delay, in other words we have a broken ship which there trying to fix so we don't crash and ruin everyone's day. Performance Delay -give me a fucking break. My seat mate of course was thrilled to have me next to him. We took off an hour later. 

My flight to Phoenix was via Minneapolis. Of course one delay creates another so as I landed I realized the Phoenix flight started boarding 20 minutes earlier. The captain announced that everyone should stay seated and those with connecting flights should get off first. Of course when we got to the gate everyone stood up at once. I wanted to catch the that flight, but wasn't panicking. Had no pressing business in Phoenix so I'd grab the next flight. "Performance Delay" - Kiss my FTD .....

I bolted off the plane practically running over Delta girl and looked up at a monitor. My Phoenix flight was at Gate F10. I turned towards Delta girl and asked hurriedly, "Where's F10, I'm late for my Phoenix connector." Delta girl smiled and said, "Your at F10, this is like winning a lottery, your really lucky". I looked behind me and sure enough my NY flight was the connector to Phoenix. Wow, I looked at Delta girl, "If I was really lucky I'd meet someone tonight in Phoenix and have great sex. She gave me a shocked, laughing, blushing look. Then a remark about my inappropriateness. Oops, FTD'ed it. I was now laughing and sighing at Howard and looked laughingly at Delta girl and asked eyebrows lifted if she was heading to Phoenix. No. working the Phoenix Gate. We talked FTD for 15 minutes and we later rehashed the incident on Film for "Howard's Brain" as I reboarded my Phoenix bound jet. Her final words was that she was going to Google "Howard FTD" when she got home. One more tiny step for FTD awareness.

Arrived at Phoenix and went to Payless Rent a Car for my $11.00 a day rental. Of course I knew after taxes and BS it would be about $20+ a day. Payless boy asked if I wanted additional coverage. No thanks. He then told me I needed it because I had a debit card. Last year I paid $8ish a day extra at Enterprise so this wasn't a surprise. Payless boy told me it would be an additional $40 a day. NAFW mode was now history. "Talk about getting fucked up the...... by Payless. You reel me in at $11 a day and now we're in the $60's." Payless boy immediately chopped it down by $25 a day and on it went. Finally got to the car and of course realized there was no way I was going to drive. FTD driving rules are in effect. Checked the car out and the seat was way to high. I signaled another Payless kid. He told me everyone has that problem. Showed me a pump lever you had to pump up and down for the seat to go up or down. Told him it was like my penile pump at home. He cracked up. ( I needed a medicinal prescribed penile pump last year after prostate cancer surgery).

I sat for about 45 minutes leveling myself. FTD driving rules in effect. I'm an excellent driver, but as with any disability special precautions must be taken. I never drive when I'm the least bit upset. Cell phone off. Radio off if I'm not familiar with the area. I know many with FTD that drive and many that no longer drive. I do drive a stick in NYC every few weeks so my skills are current and I've had someone driving with me.

I visited an incredible assisted living facility here in Phoenix yesterday that had 5 acres of beautifully manicured grounds for it's residents, including FTD'ers. Lisa O'toole gave me a wonderful tour and I met with the staff at length. I was o...... to be continued.

Need to cut this short. The cool off Misting system just went on. 108 degrees yesterday. Didn't phase me. There is a difference between humidity and dry heat. stick in NYC every few weeks so my skills are current.

Need to cut this short. The cool off Misting system just went on. 108 degrees yesterday. Didn't phase me. There is a difference between humidity and dry heat.

Scottsdale, AZ Starbucks and the evil misting 

New York City

Howard

10 Years of FTD

I was on up to 17 pills a day for 6+ years and tried just about every pill and mixed cocktail the medical community could concoct. The medical community believes I was having a paradoxical reaction to many of the drugs. Ativan made me manic and antidepressants made me depressed and suicidal. Of course since the meds didn't work they gave me over 100 ECT's (shock treatments) and implanted a device in my chest VNS Vagus Nerve Stimulator which is now turned off. I call this pacemaker type device "Space Junk." One of my main reasons for this blog is furthering awareness of FTD as so others will not get misdiagnosed and get mistreated like me. This blog has now crossed 70,000 people. 

I have one of the best FTD specializing neurologists in the country out of Columbia. She has me off all pills. Haven't taken a pill in 3 years. Yes, I have difficulties, but trying to treat FTD with unproven meds is like trying to hit a moving rabbit with a bow and arrow. FTD is a moving target. Constant change and progression of FTD make the type of drug and amount obsolete quickly with side effects causing drastic changes to the FTD'ers behavior and mood. There is a trend to prescribe less pills to those with FTD and lower the dosages. We now belong to the "Magic Pill" society where we are brainwashed into thinking there is a pill cure for everything. Nice fairy tail.

10 years of FTD and I'm doing okay. I hope to have another 10 years to go. My life is probably much rougher in real life than anyone can imagine but so what, I'm living life. I hear from and know many others now with FTD for 10+ years so I know I'm not alone and will be around for a while.

The last few weeks I've been mulling over moving away from NYC. Besides driving myself crazy,  I've been driving everyone around me crazy. I want to thank to thank all my friends who set up the fundraiser to keep me in NYC and I appreciate every penny that's been donated. Though we are in the middle of the fundraiser, I've decided that I will be leaving NYC. I was hoping the fundraiser would give me 3 years or so of stability, but as we all know everyone out there in FTD world is devastating financially. I heard of my first Homeless FTD man a few weeks ago. I'm sure there more out there we don't know about. Luckily his Church has stepped up to help me. Thank God we have religious institutions that are there for people in need. I consider myself to be extremely lucky for everything I have in life.

A few months ago I went to Florida to check out possible places to live. Lake Worth and possibly Tampa are my plan B. Plan A is Arizona. Florida is hot and humid with Arizona being desert hot and dry. Arizona is much closer to Seattle where my teenage children reside. I miss my kids and the Florida is the furthest point in the US from Seattle. 6 hour flight with a 3hr. time difference. I spoke at the Arizona ALFA conference last month and was incredible impressed by the Assisted Living in Arizona which is known to be some of the best in the country. The people I've met from ALFA were extremely nice and have offered to help me out a bit if I decide to move there. FTD is such an isolating and lonely disease. Either people don't want to be around us or we drive everyone away with our madness. I've plenty I want to accomplish and with the right setting and a bit of help, I could make much progress. This blog, the Howard's Brain documentary, the numerous support groups and forums I belong to including my FTD patient group, as well as the book I started and haven't written a word in over a year. It's about halfway done. I've many project and I'm not sure how much time is with me or against me. 

For the last few weeks I've been planning a trip to Arizona and not blogging. Planning is so, so difficult. I used plan and fly 120 flights a year for business and spend about 200 nights in Hotels. I think the only reason I've been successful in still being able to plan. Days on little minutia details for this trip driving me crazy trying to plan and organize. I did find a hotel for $36 a night and rental car for $12 a day. Bedbugs not included.

The Fundraiser is still up. The money that's been donated, was donated to try and help me stay in NYC.   I'm extremely grateful. This money is helping me here now and I will use this to relocate and get settled. If anyone feels upset that there donation won't be used to keep me in my apartment, please contact me or Alice Walton on the Gofundme site and your money will be refunded. As I stated earlier, the fundraiser is still up and any donations made will be used expressly to help me relocate and get settled.

Tomorrow (Tuesday) I'm off to Phoenix. Wish me luck. Nothing like picking up and moving with FTD to someplace where I really no no one. I feel pretty alone here and it's extremely possible that I will wind up totally alone there. My life, my decision. Either way I look for an extremely productive way to finish this life off. 

I want thank Joe Becker, Marc Turkel and Alice G. Walton for all the work setting up the fundraiser. I'd like to keep it running to help me with relocation and get settled, but if they want to take it down I totally understand.

Will be in Arizona for 9 days and would love to visit any of you out there. Will be mostly around Phoenix area with possible trips to Tucson and Flagstaff.

 I'm planning on making Arizona a new beginning and not the beginning of the end. 

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My friends have set up a site to help me since I've run into unforeseen difficulties. Please visit the site below to help me with relocation and resettling. Thank you.

GoFundMe - Help Howard

Thank you all,
Howard

Whose in Control? FTD or Me.

Last night I met a friend at a restaurant called, "Next Door".  The restaurant was about 60% full. I pointed to a street window table that we frequently sit at, motioned to the waiter and went to wash my hands. Upon returning my friend said that we were to sit at an inner 2 person table. Hey, other 4 person tables had 2 people had them. The waiter was there to escort us. My immediate reaction, "Oh, how wonderful" Nah, turned and said, "Fuck This" and we left. Of course my friend was upset, but if I'm paying good money, I want to sit where I usually sit if available. Hey they don't want my money, to bad.


You can say  that I Howard Glick have become a socially undesirable, inappropriate human being. How do I feel about that? To fucking bad.

Having FTD makes you less tolerant for bullshit and has you blurt out exactly how you feel at any given moment. You lose your self control and awareness to a point. Yes, to a Point.

I say exactly what most people think of saying, want to say and don't dare say. My filter is FTD'ed. I act on impulse without restraint to a Point. We all have a sense of inner awareness and guidance. I say and do things that embarrass people and cause many headaches, but it's rarely out of control to cause a major incident. When I say or do something, I do not realize I'm doing anything wrong. Even after, I usually don't think I've done anything wrong. After a while, hours or days it does hit me and make sense what I did was wrong or didn't make sense. I coined the term last year, "I'm aware that I'm not aware". That's still holds true and this is a hell of a way to live your life.

So where does inner awareness or control take over.  I've never been arrested or had an incident with police  involved or even the threat of a major incident. It's been proven there is no correlation to violence with FTD. Exceptions to the rules like everything in life exist, but there aren't a bunch of crazy, violent FTD'ers out there. If there were, I wouldn't need to be working so hard at making the world aware of FTD. everyone would know. Most of us with FTD suffer the same revolving symptoms as me. We drive everyone crazy, but aren't dangerous to ourselves or others. 

Most of us have some degree of awareness. I've met dozens of FTD'ers over the last couple of years and I know the pain. The pain of living and knowing something is wrong but not being able to put a handle on it. Trying to act normal when your way off base. Everyone telling you your sick and you trying your best to act and be normal when you know in your heart something is wrong. We live with FTD and of course we don't want to be sick and try our best to be normal. Then we're accused of being manipulative or staging an act. 

Those of us with FTD are losing our minds, some slowly and some quickly. It is human nature and spirit to fight and try and be normal and want people to treat us as people, not toddlers or children. We go in and out of lucidity with the revolving door of symptoms. Sometimes more in control and aware, sometimes less. Of course we fight or act out when we feel we're being treated like kids or not right. Having FTD can mean acting bizarre behavior without realizing we're acting bizarre. Of course all this is enough to drive any caregiver insane. 

The wonderful world of FTD. Those with FTD are losing our minds and dying. At the same time we're driving everybody around us we love crazy to the point they get sick and lose there minds.

What is inner awareness and guidance. Something that guides humans and keeps us from getting totally out of control. I've never heard of an FTD'er who murders or commit any horrific crime. FTD'ers are damaged by a rare progressive brain disease, but not totally broken. We cannot be fixed. No cure. But something keep us and all things in nature from just totally losing it. What? Don't know, but it exists. We will only get worse over time. I've had a rough 10 years. I'll keep going for as long as possible but my relief will be death. Hey, everyone dies and I've had a wonderful life, still do. But death will be much needed rest and a break. This losing your mind shit is exhausting :-)

Can FTD'ers make a solid contribution to society. Some can, we're disabled not dead. We all do the best we can under adverse conditions. FTD'ers are losing our minds. Some quicker than others. We know there's no slowing FTD down. No medication to slow it, stop it or cure it. We're living life on luck. It's impossible to convey the constant barrage of symptoms that keep spiraling about our brain. We are literally fighting ghosts all day and night. Can't tell you the sheer determination it takes to write this blog, never mind get through every fucking day.

It's 6:45am. Have been writing the above blog for days. Used to whip though them quickly.Things are getting tougher. Of course things will be getting easier with me probably going to be forced to move away in the next few months :-) Starting over with very little support, never mind getting through a move. I'm still committed to making the best possible life for myself and I'll do what I need and have to do. I will keep living and pushing the envelope. 

Just did over an hour of filming for "Howard's Brain". It's going to be a great documentary that Joe Becker will make some day. Chances are I'll never see it, but I know what's in it having unfortunately lived it. It will be excellent for awareness and extremely entertaining. 

Close to 7am and I'm toast. Finished with my productivity for the day. I feel like my writing at this point has become blabbering. Hell of a life. A good life and I'm still writing, filming advocating and living.

* BTW - My friend and I ate at a different restaurant after leaving "Nest Door". When we finished our meal we passed "Next Door". The table by the window was still empty. I rapped on the window to get the waiters attention while pointing to the empty table :-) Tip blown asshole. My friend ran quickly away embarrassed. FTD

* Casper the cat from a previous blog will recover from it's numerous injuries. The cat incurred $6,000 in medical expenses.

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My friends have set up a site to help me since I've run into unforeseen difficulties. Please visit the site below for a further explanation and to help. Thank you.

GoFundMe - Help Howard

Howard