It's 6:10am and I'm safely seated at McBucks 181 with my ice coffee in hand. It's sort of nice being the only one here besides the workers. It's Howard's time. This is the highest level functioning hours of the day. Getting to this point and into my seat is no easy feat.
I've been up since 1:30am having slept about two and a half hours. The melatonin just isn't working. Had cheerios at 5am and then watched Romney make an ass of himself insulting the British.
Then it hit's. I'm exhausted. Okay, do I stay home and rest and maybe try to catch a couple of Zzzz's or do I get my ass in gear and "get out the Fucking door" (GOTFD). Every FTD molecule in me has me laying there not moving and trying to shut down and not think. There's this FTD haze that we go into where we can just do nothing and not think about. This can go on and on until we let FTD's number one enemy enter the picture. That would be that pesky parasite called depression. Depression can take over your body and soul. For me it's not a matter of fighting off depression, as it is letting it in. It is banned.
GOTFD I shout to myself and I'm out of there leaving that pesky parasite in the dust.
Next, get something done. I need a sense of accomplishment each day. I have that burning desire in me to get something done. Blog, film, post, mail etc. It doesn't matter what. I cannot go home without getting something done and feeling great about myself. No, not good about myself, great about myself. Life is tough with FTD and doing okay doesn't work for me. I need to excel and excel I will. There is no choice, there is no failure. Mindset is everything. Every day I will battle pesky parasites, unawareness, inappropriate behavior and memory loss. That's just internal, never mind the world. Every day I will win.
Most days I get home exhausted between 11am and 1pm. I get home and there's no guarantee I'll get out of the house till the next day. One thing is for sure. Another day has gone by and I'm woking my ass off to stay highly functional with FTD. I will never get complacent and let that pesky parasite depression in.
It's now 7:21 and I have this blog done. I've kicked ass and told FTD to F(ftd)off. Hope this helps someone out there.
Howard
which type of the door? you deserve for it. i would like to good behavior with each and everyone. Garage Door Repair Carol Stream
ReplyDeleteThank you Muhammad.
DeleteHoward
Howard,
ReplyDeleteI was at the gym at 6:00 a.m. working out, trying to fight off anxiety and depression. I like your mind set, will save this and reread it frequently. Who knows maybe it will rub off and I will have a productive moment in my day. Thanks for all you do for the rest of us.
Hi Janet,
DeleteGood for you. Being at the gym at 6am was fighting off anxiety and depression.
Keep going. Great job.
Howard
hey, Howard! I to ,thanks to you keep trying to funtion/acoplish something,that includes getting those around me to step up/ get motavated. but no, they just frustrate and anger me, with their neglect,thoughtless wasting time,days,months. and I thought I was feeling apathtic, everone around me see's or hears my struggling not to want to die.watching try to move, go outside,out in public....yet they can't/won't intervine,avacate for me when dr.or others cant tolerate my symp. tell me calm down she will look for test rezalts, that she said she didn'order. slowing the prosses of getting to a neroigest at ucla. "I'm doing better" lost weight not crying/yelling. maybe so, but she doesent know what it took out of me just to get there..she has nothing/cuz she's not bothered to do ANY research on pick's.and losing records, telling me to remind her then going out of town for month knowing 4 different agencies need the imfo/to help get glasses ,manage pain,move,let alone read, sit stand, walk/without pain,anger and frustration. Nor does she know how close to decking her or filling/reporting her ignorance , ap pathy,negelet even. years wasted trying to get help to have any kind of life worth living. no paperwork,no test, no spealist on brains,no advise all equal up to no hope. I CAN DO NO MORE ALONE.Fear domanates any other feelings.doubt, should i go to my daughters wedding, can inot say or do somethingWRONG,am I fit for human cumsuption? can I get there, dressed and survive,without being bulled or just tolerated.can't really be me without regreting it/ stressing about it for months.emotionally phsycally exhausted.! DO I EVEN WANT TO GO OR CARE??? THANKS FOR THE VENTING!
ReplyDeleteHi Lovesorca,
DeletePlease email me about joining my online FTD Patient Support Group if your interested. My address is howardjglick@gmail.com.
Howard
lovesorca, join Howard's group on Facebook, the FTD Dementia Support group - there is a great group of people and great support - I think Howard should have a link to it on here. You are not alone but we know what that feels like and feel similar loneness and fears and doubts on being fit for company. Go to your daughter's wedding - it is your decision ok - but anyone who doesn't like anything you do, that is their problem - good luck! f
ReplyDelete