FTD and Motivation

FTD sucks the motivation out of you. I've been highly motivated all my life. I never worked a 5 day, 40 hour work week, alway 6-7 days and hours as many needed. I've lived hard and traveled hard. My vacations have been extensive and I've been lucky enough to have been to 3/4 of the countries that occupy this planet. I love smiling, laughing and having a good time.

How fitting my arch nemesis would be a disease that robs your mind and sucks the life out of you. The last time I left my apartment other than a quick cup of coffee was meeting the filmmaker, Joe Becker downtown months ago. Seems the only time I go downtown is to get a haircut and those are few and far between and are instigated by the prompting of comments.

In June 2010 when I was diagnosed with FTD/dementia I used to take the same 2 mile walk every day in the city. I used to have coffee at my friends David/Ruthie each morning after waking them at 6:30am. Then it was Starbucks till it was made clear my royal presence was no longer welcome.

Now, I'm at cafe Buunni smiling because I'm out and doing something, writing. I come here maybe 2 times a week for a couple of hours to write. What do I do the rest of the time. Nothing. I sit at home and do nothing. The TV might be on but I rarely watch it. I'm in an empty gaze and miles away.

I sit alone and try to understand the truths of how I'm living and try to figure out and influence the present and future. How do I get myself out the door? How do I write consistently in my blog? How do  I get back to filming? Eating healthy and taking care of my hygiene which is slipping. The truth is it's getting harder to do anything or think anything through or do anything. I feel no pain nor anything holding me back. It is nothing tangible that I can say, ha that's the reason I'm acting this way. So what is it and why can't I just get up and get moving. It's because an area of my brain is under attack and has stopped functioning. My motivation has been stolen from me.

The whole concept of being robbed of your motivation is so foreign, I'm not sure if anyone can understand it. Is motivation a tangible thing you can see and feel. Where does the drive come from that has us function and conquest life. The big toe? No, an area of the brain. When you get paralyzed you can't walk. What happens when that area of Frontal and Temporal area of the brain dies. You lose your motivation. Just one of the lovely symptoms of FTD. Welcome to FTD world.

When I say sexual remarks to someone in the street I've never seen before or argue with the Chinese restaurant owner that she should get divorced and marry me, I'm just sort or doing normal things in my life. BTW I wasn't hurt that the Chinese restaurant owner wouldn't marry me. I don't even know her name. Once again it's an area of my brain is under attack that normally keep humans as humans and under control.

A friend came over for dinner the other night. Within 1 minute I broke dishes, glasses and things went flying. She left and wrote me that I scared her. I wrote back my aggression was not aimed at her and would probably take an army of shrinks to figure out the effects of losing your mind.

I have a friend who is looking to try and find grant/grants to enable me to continue to live and do this work in NYC. Most Grants are for Caregivers or Research. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know. My landlord and others have told me there are no rents in my price range. New York City is home and I'd like to stay, but I'm preparing mentally to move. I'll be visiting Florida in March and looking for a place I can afford. Right now I'm leaning toward's the Tampa area. Might as well be somewhere warm and by the water. I have a few months and am not in panic stage, but pressure is there. Hope I'm not heading towards disaster. Navigating unchartered waters with FTD has become a way of life.

As a good friend always writes, "Forge ahead."

Howard