Last weekend my girlfriend and I ended our relationship. It's hard to deal with the finality of FTD. I understood. She needed and I wanted for her someone with a "lifetime plan", not an "end of life plan". Of course there were other variables I won't get into.
It was the right choice. We both knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term plan. It just happened to be bad timing in the sense of when in our lives we met. Hopefully I'll be catching up with her in a future life. Of course all week I've thought about her beauty, intelligence, sarcastic wit, eyebrow raise and many mannerisms. I kept putting her back into my mind, not an ordinary miss or loss. What I decided last weekend was I was not going to collapse. It's so hard accurately translate to the reader the effects of change of routine, loss or dramatic change can be with someone with FTD/Dementia. That pesky parasite, depression is always hanging around and once it settles in, it's tough to exterminate.
I decided I was going to get through this unscathed. No matter how I slept, no matter how I felt I wasn't going to deviate each day from the routine I recently set up. Guess what, I had a great week. i stuck to my plan and each day was smooth. Did I think of my ex. Yes, all the time she travelled with me in my head. The apathy of FTD was definitely there. There wasn't the heartbrokenness of relationships past. She kept popping into my head during all the usual times day and night. But it was pleasant thoughts of all the things I love about her, not a desperate longing and vacancy in my heart.
I've accomplished much in the last year, but I've slowed way down. I avoid the public much more these days. I'm satisfied with my minimum schedule and where I'm not becoming a hermit or isolating myself. I've become much more comfortable and feel safer being out of harms way and spending much more time alone. I will no longer be pushing myself to be out in social situations or take part of different things. I find myself recently getting quieter on purpose. Yes, I have my moments in grocery stores, Starbucks etc. But on the whole I'm trying to get into a more peaceful existence and want to stay out of the publics eye with my outlandish FTD behavior. Can I control this. Not really, but I find by limiting social exposure and overstimulation I feel a lot better.
I was thinking yesterday about my thought process now and what has changed compared to a year ago. A friend of mine told me nothing has changed in my life besides my thought process. He's so right and I could say it's scary but in actuality it's become a lot less scary.
It's been a really good week and with my mindset and determination set to put my body in an accommodating place, I look forward to the same next week.