Friday, February 1, 2013

FTD and Wine Time

I keep getting choked by my lack of ability to function. The time and energy to get anything done is increasing exponentially. Last year at this time I booked the trip to the AFTD conference and sent in the  paperwork for a travel grant in one quick sitting. Flight, hotel, transportation, etc. I've been working on it for a week and still haven't even booked the flight. Haven't made it past figuring out which airport to fly out of, times, cost and transportation. Everything is blending into each other and I go blank and frozen with a sort of deadpan look. So I sit and do nothing. I watch tv except I just have it on and I'm not really following it, in fact I'm not really following anything. Welcome to the new me. Just went to the bank to get quick pay set up. It took a while because I forgot my password. The banker who knows me and knows I don't "get it", kept trying to explain it to me with me repeating to him don't bother to explain it, just set it up. It was like a bad comedy.

Relocating and the thoughts put into it are similarly blended like the plane ticket. I can't figure it out. I'm going to need to move, but have no idea how long the money I have will last, what I need to pay for rent and even if I can find it or if I need to leave NYC. My thoughts aren't racing, there just not coming together so I can organize or plan anything. Of course my thoughts slip to the urine laced air in the nursing home I visited. Ain't going to be my home.

Yes, I'm overloaded for this rare afternoon blog writing session at Cafe Buunni. Lately, I've rarely left my apartment lately. I'm lonely at home, but overstimulated and can't deal with the public on the outside. Last night, went out and wasn't sure what I was doing. A couple I haven't seen in a while came up and gave me a big hello. I must've looked like a deer in the headlights because of the immediate turn the conversation took. They asked what I was doing.  Just standing getting a bit wet from the rain blowing my way. Yea, I don't like going out.

But wait, there's more :-) Good stuff. Fooled ya. On the positive side I will make it to the AFTD conference and I'm looking forward to seeing my fellow FTD'ers as well as the caregivers I've been in contact with. I've also been invited to a conference in Arizona where I'll be talking FTD for about 2 hours in front of 200 people. It's going to be great and I'm very excited. 

I'm slowly losing my mind, but I'll keep forging ahead on the FTD projects I'm working on. Whereas at times I feel the Universe is closing in on me, I just have to hope the right help will show up at the right time. 

I will keep finding ways to get things done. I have a lot of life left in me. I just hope I'm accomplishing something with what I'm doing.
Have a good weekend all.
Time for wine. Red, red wine.


  1. Well done Howard - so glad to hear you have two engagements lined up. It sounds like you are in demand!

    Thank you for your post, and for sharing with us.

    Bless you


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