Going into 2014 I need to realistically assess what I can accomplish. No time to mourn what skills I've lost and am losing. I've the desire to forge ahead, be productive and keep living an awesome life.
They visited for a week. I noticed a picture on Facebook of my friend Marc, hugging his son Juno and realized I kissed and hugged them once. That was days before at the airport when I picked them up. I immediately went and hugged and kissed both of them. Made it a priority to hug and kiss them frequently from that point on. Stuck it in my diminished brain routine, like going to Starbucks each morning. Yes, I felt the emotion and the love, but it doesn't come naturally. I need to somehow be made aware and work on it.
Can't describe the crushing feeling of fighting and losing the FTD battle to keep feelings that make humans human.
The picture of my friend Marc brought me back to reality. This insidious disease called FTD is stealing my life away. Even when with them I felt distant, but a kiss and hug brought back those feelings. They were younger when I started showing symptoms and was so out of control being on up to 17 pills a day and placed in a medically induced fog. Never got to teach him father/son things when he was younger. I sit here feeling like shit because I wanted to teach my son about basketball, baseball and football while he was during his visit. Even recorded it to teach him the rules. He's 15 now. I never did. Fell headfirst into the apathetic, lethargic way of FTD and it never got done. Spent to much time alone in my isolated FTD state while they were here. Have been thinking and dreaming of having him come for a father/son weekend of just sports.
Can't afford to do it, can't afford not to.
I've no food at home. We laughed how hunger got them out the door. I did explain to them in the month prior I was sick for almost a week. Stomach cramps and much bathroom time. Thought I had a stomach virus till I bought new milk for my Cheerios. It tasted different. The milk I was using was spoiled. Have to love FTD.
They've struggled through the train wreck of FTD and are making it. Been a rough ride. There mom deserves much of the credit.
Yesterday was NFL Football playoff games. Have been bouncing around since I moved to Scottsdale, AZ trying to find a comfort zone. Most of the time I'm alone. People are okay in short doses. Can't keep track of conversations when I'm in a group. Get lost and hear all background noise and conversations around me. Sunday mornings I hang with the Starbucks weekend warriors. Always a couple of hours of fun and enlightening conversation from an assortment of characters. The leader of the band is a retired political/government crustacean who is opinionated, forthright and funny. Jeffrey and his wife are polar opposites and the perfect couple. Had an interesting head injury/dementia conversation with former NHL player Perry Anderson. Not being a hockey fan, I had to Google Perry who an "enforcer" in a long career. You couldn't meet a nicer, well spoken man. Have met many sports pro's since I moved here and have really been enlightened as to true cost our entertainment is to there health. I always leave the weekend encounters like I just starred in a "Seinfeld" episode. I try to keep low key on the FTD thing. You know me, once I get started I don't stop. Trust me, not a day goes by where there aren't new victims to my FTD awareness crusade.
I left Starbucks and went to 4 different places trying to figure out a Sunday football lunch. In the end went back to one of the places I already had been to and got a cheap Mexican Burrito. Need to get back on my salad and wings 7 day a week routine. Healthier, cheaper and keeps confusion out of my life. Sort of like Albert Einstein wearing the same black suit all the time, so he had more time to focus on the world at large. Went out late afternoon to watch the Seattle Seahawks football game at my "Wing" place called Stax. Was excited about the game. Placed my order as soon as I entered. Stax is quiet and not a sports bar. The noise level to me is deafening. Didn't even make it 10 minutes. The owner knows me/FTD. Asked him to make the order to go and waited outside in my Seahawks jersey.
Yes, Howard has a new girlfriend. Intelligent, beautiful, sassy, incredibly supportive and funny. She is in the medical field and quite familiar with FTD. Soon out of the gate we had a huge misunderstanding. It was an "FTD" thing. The next morning I received a text from Terri stating she's realizes she's an
"FTD Girlfriend-In-Training". l almost peed myself.
More to follow…………..after all, you are an