FTD and on a Roll

On a roll here at McBucks. A woman just walked in from the deluge outside soaked from head to toe. I started laughing hysterically out loud. She was at the cashier dripping and staring at me (along with all the other customers). She was half a store away at the cashier. As she stood there dripping she said, "what's so funny about this" her hands outstretched. I said loudly across the store, "don't worry, you won't melt, stain and I hope not shrink".  Considering she's 4'9", I could've been in trouble. She looked at me and said,"but I could get sick".  There was a moment of awkward silence and we both then started laughing. 

A new wonderful mom & pop coffee shop opened up right across the street. Cafe Bunni was opened by a lovely couple. It is tiny and the coffee is what McBucks used to be before it went mainstream. Absolutely delicious. I urge all of you coffee drinkers to give your neighborhood mom & pop cafe a shot. Right now because of the generosity of my readership and others I have about a $100 credit at McBucks. I'm making a slow transition to Bunny. I have to give credit that Starbucks corp. did listen and make changes after there disastrous renovation. 

A funny historical note. I used to not drink coffee for the longest time. I started drinking coffee 18 months ago because I started coming to Starbucks.

Certain corporate things do raise my blood pressure. The Starbucks corporation has developed there own language for the McBucks crew to use. They had a recent promotion. If you purchased something in the morning they would give you the receipt for a discount on some product in the afternoon. The first day I remember standing there facing the McBucks "partner" cashier and he proudly announced with a giant Stepford Wives smile. "Would you like your Treat Receipt".  I said "what" with a you have to be kidding me look on my face. He said, "A treat receipt for your afternoon snack". I said no thanks. By day 4 or 5 I couldn't take it anymore. After hearing, "Would you like your Treat Receipt"? I retorted with, "What do I look like a fucking dog". "Treats are for dogs and animals. You guys need to start talking like humans, not corporate lackeys". I felt like reaching across the counter and choking him to death. Urrr No one offered me a treat receipt after that. 

The point here is not that the workers of Starbucks are inauthentic and unoriginal because of there scripted corporate lingo. The point is a man with a rare progressive behavioral disease called FTD that can't help but react in an aggressive way a good deal of the time. Since he can't control himself, this is one of many symptoms that has put his life in ruins. The poor guy behind the counter who looked like he was 15 was in shock with his mouth open. People in line were staring at me like I was crazy. It's some life. 

It wasn't Starbucks and the service in the end. It was me not being aware that I'm unaware till after the fact. Even though it was pissing me off for days and I didn't say anything because you don't do that, I did it even knowing that I shouldn't do it without even knowing I was doing it.

Things are looking up these days. Why? Mindset and positive attitude. I've got a long road to haul, but I'm going to take it with humor and keep things going in a positive light. I've got a tremendous amount of things going. My blog, Howard's Brain, The FTD Patient Support Group, all the other groups and forums I contribute to and the book I'm writing. I'm taking it slowly and doing what I can, knowing it's making other lives easier. Things are falling through the cracks and life is tough. Big deal. Keep on going and keep making life productive, filled with purpose and find happiness. Accept reality and don't get caught up with day to day disappointments. 

Help is filtering in from a couple of places. I've some excellent friends that are they for me, trying to help me the best way they can. I'll just keep moving forward with hope that things are going to be all right. 

Howard

The Double Edge Sword of FTD

Trying to negotiate life with a broken mind isn't easy. Yesterday I was sitting across from a friend who commented she couldn't see anything different between the way I'm now to the way I was last year. That's the double edge sword of FTD.

If you sit across from me and have a beer or a coffee you'll never realize that your talking to a person with a severe neurological disease. I was thinking of wearing a sign on my chest that says, "FTD Here" but realized people would ask me if I deliver flowers. 

The FTD double edge sword applies to patients and caregivers. Some patients can be aware there is something wrong with there brain and life and no one else gets it. Caregivers can say there's something wrong with my loved one and all the caregivers friends might think the caregiver is crazy and the real FTD'er is fine. Of course it gets more complicated because most FTD patients aren't aware there's anything is wrong with them. There are two reasons this might happen. One is that FTD effects them organically and there not aware there's anything wrong with them. Doesn't matter what behavior they exhibit. There unaware that  there's anything wrong with them no matter how bizarre there behavior. In the beginning stages it's common for a FTD patient to be in a doctors office and have the doctor convinced there's nothing wrong with them while the caregiver wants to pull there hair out. Caregivers, if you have any comments about your loved one being unaware a comment below would be appreciated. Then there are the less common cases like me. Patients with FTD that, "are aware that we're unaware" whats going on with us. We know and have accepted that we have FTD, but are forever baffled by our behavior, thinking disruptions etc. We know we're slowly losing our minds and go through an incredible struggle to be aware and control what we're doing and keep our lives together. 

Physically, I feel the same same as I did last year with the addition of 40 pounds. What's more difficult this year over last? Absolutely nothing unless I really think about it. That's what I told my friend Sheila.   Yes, my behavioral incidents seemed to have picked up a bit, but even though it can get a bit ugly there have been no major incidents. Sheila asked if I handed needed to hand out my awareness cards when things happen. The truth is I've only handed out one awareness card and that was over a year ago. Someone told me my behavior issues more resemble that of a "grumpy old man". Great, I'd rather be an FTD'er than Ebenezer Scrooge. 

It's become very difficult for me to follow up on things and keep track of projects, paperwork etc. I used to be extremely organized and now it is impossible to multitask or get through just basic day to day tasks. One year ago ago it was easy to toggle between my blog, filming and the various online support groups I belong to. Now, it is hard for me to do anything for more that a minute without being distracted. Settling in on writing this blog is taking extreme self control and discipline to keep my mind from wandering off. It's now 8:01am and by 9:30am I will be home exhausted for the day. Today is also God's Love We Deliver, delivery day. GLWD has made a big difference in my life. I can't tell you how much there charity food deliveries have made my life easier. They are true saviors and if someone is looking for a charity to donate to AFTD and GLWD are on the top of my list.

Thinking things through and planning things out are so difficult. Amazing how even while writing this I find myself somewhere else after a sentence of two. 

Last week was a tough week for me. Having my lawyer put the ice on the case was difficult. I'm lucky to have concerned people around me to help me put together a plan together. it just gets so difficult because there are so many ideas bing floated. 

I'm doing fine with a roof over my head and food on my table. 

This will be a short, not to detailed blog. Last week was a rough week and there was a lot of concern out there. I want everyone to know I'm weathering the storm and forging forward.

I want to thank everyone for your support out there. Your letters, kind words, and love you've shown me help me immensely.

Howard Glick

FTD Wanderer of NYC

Hopes Fading Away

In life we have hope, faith and reality. We try to make some of these tangible, even if there as close as a distant star.

I've accepted my diagnosis of FTD a long time ago. My life has been altered and in order to continue on I needed to make subtle differences in my life. I've done the best I could.

One thing I hadn't given up hope for was having my long term disability from Unum reinstated. In my heart I felt that right would prevail and sooner of later it would be reinstated. It is proven medical fact that I became symptomatic with FTD while I was employed and my company was paying premiums for my disability policy. It's been proven that my bipolar diagnosis was erroneous and that the medical community of Seattle just wasn't familiar with the rare disease called FTD.

Would having my disability reinstated make life altering changes that would have me sitting at $50,000 lunch fundraisers with Mitt Romney. No, but it would've made my life easier. I'd be able to see my teenage children more and help contribute to there lives and education. I'd be able to have someone come in and help me a bit with cleaning and cooking. Take a vacation and have some money for clothes, vacation etc. My dream of possibly visiting Israel again in this lifetime is now gone. Most of all I wouldn't be a charity case. I live in NYC where life isn't cheap and with SSDI I'm only making it with help from friends and others of you out there. I've been fiercely independent all my life and have been there for others, never needing help. I've never have given up that hope of financial independence thinking something could get me out of this FTD laden hole. I always had secreted in the back of my mind that the 6 Billion Dollar company Unum would come through when realizing I wasn't disabled from a broken leg and by no fault of my own did not get the appeal paperwork in on time.

My lawyer contacted me 2 nights ago to let me know he wouldn't be filing. I've also spoken to other lawyers who have also told me they didn't think the case was worthy of taking on. The law is the law and since my appeal was not tendered in time because of the misdiagnosis, there is no case. Fairness, justice, right and wrong have nothing to do with it. If this was a criminal case DNA would have it reversed, but it's not.

Okay, now it's time to move on and face my current reality. I'm quickly becoming a charity case. Just writing that sickens me. There is no question that things are getting more difficult as time goes on. I can no longer plan things at all or multi-task. Getting just about anything done is extremely difficult. Every day is a different smorgasbord of FTD symptoms to deal with.  I look at the two years since I left the hospital after being diagnosed and told to make my "end of life" plans. Well, I still don't have a will, medical proxy or any type of plan for the future. I have meaningful loving people who care, show up and disappear just as quick. People have there own lives to live. I can't afford to hire anyone to help me and I have no caregiver, so I fall into the category of people will help me when they can.

Guess I look in pretty rough shape. The super of my building saw me in the supermarket and came up to the cashier and insisted on paying my bill. I told him I have money, but he was just being extremely nice. I was born and raised in NYC. I enjoy living in NYC now and I fully intend to stay here. People do know me in the neighborhood I live in and I get a measure of support. Many know I'm ill with FTD and have a bit of patience with me or help me. Sometimes my behavior is out of control. I was at the dental clinic on Tuesday and this toddler was screaming and yelling in happiness and wouldn't stop. The mother made no effort to keep him at all quiet and instead kept playing with him. Finally I shouted would you please shut that f ing kid up. This is a doctors office, not a playground. Of course, it was now all eyes on asshole Howard time. What can I say, "shit happens".

Lately, I've had many people that know me telling me I can no longer afford to stay in NYC because of my financial situation as well as my medical condition. Life has been becoming incredibly difficult and I'm having difficulty.  People have been telling me I need to move to assisted living, to a family house where people can look after me and some have suggested a group home. I've been told to seriously start considering Seattle, Colorado, Florida or other places.

I'm going to be very clear in this. I can barely afford to be in NYC, but I can't afford to be anywhere else. This is the only place where I can have any type of life. My behavioral issues anywhere else will have me wind up in police station or and institution. I'm getting outside help now so I'm okay and if that changes so be it. Besides I'm not ready for "Dress up Howard holiday's" yet.

Yes, I continue to get squeezed and more services continue to be reduced or cut. This year not only was my food stamps reduced twice, it was finally cancelled. Home health aide gone, Medicaid cancelled. Other services gone as well. Yesterday I was informed my extra-Medicare help on pharmaceuticals is being cancelled. Guess that means less pills I have to take.

We are all masters of our own fate. I fully accept that my life is not only rough now, but is going to get much rougher. So what, it's my life and I'm going to keep it going my way. I'm not asking anyone for financial help, all I'm asking is to support me in my decision in keeping the quality of life I have. I'm not giving it up and anyone that suggests me moving again,  is not going to get a pleasant response.

I've had to adjust and live a different quality of life to accommodate my sidekick FTD. I have a decent life, everything considered. Of course I always had hope my quality of life would improve. Now, that hope is gone, but my reality isn't bad. I'm going to keep on typing and get back to filming and show what happens to a life stricken by FTD. I'm going to continue my work to help those in the FTD world and will not waiver until there is nothing left.

Being alone with deteriorating health and a declining financial situation  is a recipe for disaster. In life, not every story has a happy ending.

So, am I in bad shape. No, it's another day and I'm at Starbucks kicking ass. Universe, bring all the bullshit you have to offer my way and what you'll find is I'm still not going to give up. In fact, I'm more resolved than ever to keep being productive and live a decent life with purpose and happiness.

Howard

Need Your Help

Hi Everyone,

Chase Bank is giving donating 5 million dollars to different charitable organizations. AFTD is on the list.  There are 5 days left to "Get Out the Vote" for AFTD in Chase's Community Giving Grant Contest. Please click the link below and use your vote for AFTD! 

This is through Facebook and you need to be a Facebook member.  All you need to do is Click. No registration, no fuss, no mess. Fast, easy and free. 
Just votes, no money.

We need to be in the top 196 organizations to move on. Our voices need to be heard and we need you to vote. AFTD does so much to help caregivers, patients and researchers. Please vote to help them get funds for our cause.

When your done voting, please share this link. FTD is a rare disease so for us to get the necessary votes we need everyone to go above and beyond and share this. 

Please Vote then Share on Facebook 

(Click link)

Facebook chase community giving/charity

Lets win this thing and move towards a cure.

Howard

New Trial for FTD Drug Announced

Announcement for new clinical trial for a drug which will stop the progression of bvFTD.

"If successful, this will be the first investigational drug that is able to arrest the progression of this disease."

(Click link below to go announcement)

news-releases/phase-3-clinical-trial-begins

Patients and caregivers are invited to sign up for Clinical Trial and study updates as more news is available at:

(Click link below to sign up)

http://www.PicksDementiaStudy.info

Please note, in many countries outside the United States  FTD is still known as Pick's Disease. FTD or Pick's disease is named after Arnold Pick, a psychiatrist who first discovered the disease in 1892.

Since I've been diagnosed 2 years ago in NYC, I've watched the name changed and squabbled over from: 

Pick's to: 

Frontotemporal Dementia (FTD) to:

Frontotemporal Degeneration to(FTD):

Frontotemporal Lobar Degeneration(FTLD):

Personally I think some people have to much time on there hands and like to bicker over language. Then again, who am I. 
Just a FTD'ed Demented Degenerate :-)


Frontotemporal Disorders

The specific subtypes of frontotemporal degeneration are:

* Behavioral Variant FTD

* Nonfluent/agrammatic variant primary progressive

* Semantic variant primary progressive aphasia

* Logopenic variant primary progressive aphasia

* Corticobasal syndrome or degeneration

* FTD/Motor neuron disease

* Progressive supranuclear palsy

For information on these FTD subtypes visit:

AFTD - Association for Frontotemporal Degeneration. Below is a direct link to the disorder page.

http://www.theaftd.org/frontotemporal-degeneration/disorders

Howard

FTD: Hate me, Love me

Had a visitor in from Tampa last week. Lady D has FTD and was coming in for medical tests and a visit with me. We met and are friends through the FTD patient support group I started. Lady D is a well accomplished Southern Belle and successful business lady, having been a senior VP for Wells Fargo. We spent the first half of the day after Lady D arrived at Mt. Sinai Hospital. That evening we had a wonderful Italian dinner and then went to see the Broadway show Spiderman. 

The next day Lady D took me out to Keens Chophouse. This is where Babe Ruth and Teddy Roosevelt used to go for steaks. Lady D asked the waiter to bring me one of there finest steaks. Yes, I finished it. It was such a nice change from "Meals on Wheels" type meals and Pizza. Diana and I had fun in NY. I thank Lady D. for her incredible generosity and friendship. 

I had only one incident while Lady D. was here. While walking in the street some smoke hit me and I jumped all over the guy saying out loud, "Your killing me and yourself smoking those cancer sticks". He fired back something I don't remember now. Lady D. quickly told me she was worried I was going to get killed. She suggested I say, "Have a nice day". I explained that I couldn't help myself. It was an impulsive aggressive reaction that I couldn't control. Plus, if I went around NYC shouting at people, "Have a nice day". That would surely get me killed. I work very hard at monitoring some of the FTD symptoms. I rarely make sexual jokes, say inappropriate sexual remarks or make a pass at anything that moves. I cut my cursing down to a bare minimum and curse less than the average New Yorker. I am proud of these accomplishments. I told Lady D. I've picked my battles and if I try to monitor and control everything I will totally burn out. She understood. 

On the way home we passed the same smoker and he waved at me. Lady D looked at me. I explained that I've leveled my FTD smoking tirade on him many a time, while he's stood smoking and leaning on that mailbox. He's used to me. I'm a neighborhood institution.

Hate me, love me.

To read more about Lady D. She was featured in the Forbes FTD Patient Series:

Diana – The Disease That Stole My Career: Inside The Mind Of Frontotemporal Degeneration

Here is an FTD Symptom Chart. This was eerily reflective of me. According to the chart  I'm at mid-stage now. I've read enough now to also know that each person is on their own path and symptoms from different stages can happen at any time. Even though my symptoms say I'm at mid-stage, I will consider myself in the early stage till I decide I'm not. If I was going to believe everything I read on FTD, I'd be dead instead of enjoying steak and typing. Mindset and attitude is so important when your sick with any disease. 

On the chart shopping/meal prep jump out at me. I have my stable "God's Love we Deliver" meal at lunch but you'll find me wandering the streets of the neighborhood just about 7 nights a week in almost a crisis mode. It's the same unnerving experience every night. FTD is a bizarre disease and there's no easy answer. FTD defies logic and "make sense" ideas need not apply. 

FTD is the Unexplainable and you can't explain the Unexplainable.

Someone wrote to me recently and told me she thinks she's ready for a nursing home. She's younger than me and just can't take all the "horror" of this disease. If someone would chronicalize my thoughts and actions for a week, I'd be on my way to Switzerland to be euthanized out of mercy. 

Sometimes awareness with FTD is merciless. 

On the flip side my life is the ultimate adventure.  I am so happy to be alive and to be fighting on. In the 2 years since being diagnosed, I've met and had contact with some of the finest people humanity has to offer. 

I've found that doing work to help others is by far the best gift you can give the human race and yourself. 

Break::::: People are very, very kind. A woman who I didn't recognize just came up to me and handed me a Starbucks gift certificate. Her name is Teresa and she told me we've talked before. Thank you so much Teresa if your reading this. It's deeply appreciated.

Well it's 11:40am and this FTD'er is fried. I'm heading home. 

Howard

Future Treatments

Many people ask me what treatment I'm getting for FTD or future treatments I'll be getting.


From this patients point of view. I have a closetful of MRI, SPECT and PET scans. I have thousands of page of doctors notes. Besides scans, I've had ECT (shocks), VNS (implant in the chest with wire to my brain), spinal taps and every medication that doctors can trial and error on a living human. There is no FDA approved medication for FTD. Some people need them for behavioral reasons which is totally understandable. Unfortunately, all meds are trial and error, hit and miss. The more you take, the faster the demise of your brain.  I will not be taking any meds besides Namenda. I'm not sure if that even works. 

I started taking Melatonin for insomnia about 2 months ago and just took myself off it. 

Meds might give me peace of mind, but they'll be taking away from my quality of a real life.

I have a firm diagnosis of FTD.  Incurable, unstoppable and untreatable. 

I see my neurologist once a year because I like her and maybe if there's a magic cure on the horizon, I want to be on the list. 

I will be donating my brain to science.

As far as being scanned, poked, prodded or experimented with. Those days are over. Waste of time, money and needless anxiety. 

The only reason for anymore medical exams is if my Long Term Disability company Unum decided to reinstate my disability. Insurance companies want to make sure you can't be cured or have a miracle. At least till your in the grave.

One piece of positive news is my lawyer is making some headway in my disability case against Unum. There's a long way to go, but there is hope. I'll take any hope anyone can give and run with it for miles.

Howard

Sandwich Boy

Sitting here in Starbucks I'm trying to out how to go through the brain liquefaction process without losing losing my mind. In recent months I've discovered that traveling for me just doesn't work anymore. Well, at least alone. Not only am I having to many issues on the road, it is so hard to get back into a routine when I return. As funny as it seems, the easiest part of traveling for me is the traveling itself. Traveling with someone is okay, but by myself I'm to wide open to issues.

Seems like I'm caught up in trying to find a life and lifestyle that works, while trying to pacify my ever changing partner FTD.  I'm as outgoing and friendly as ever. I love intellectual and stimulating conversation. Yet I run into difficulties with the basics in communications with others in society. Had a stupid incident at my neighborhood supermarket I frequent daily and might've gotten myself banned. Over a month ago I ordered a simple chicken parmesan hero. When I got home it turned out to be a lemon chicken hero. I took a bite and then brought it back to the store. It was awful. The kid who made the sandwich realized it was a mistake and authorized a refund. Last night I was back at the supermarket and ordered a meatball parmesan hero from the same sandwich boy of the previous incident. There was a fair sized crowd and when I placed my order, he announced out loud that he would make it for me as long as I wouldn't return it. I said, "excuse me, what did you say to me"? He repeated it with sandwich boy bravado. Bad move. I realized I hadn't shut off the flashing Neon Light sign on my forehead which proclaimed, "Danger, FTD, Don't Mess with at your Own Risk". I told sandwich boy he already admitted a month ago he'd made a mistake with the sandwich and I didn't need to put up with his passive/aggressive BS now. He said he wanted to make sure I wasn't going to return it. There were a lot of people at the counter and this wasn't going to go well for sandwich boy or me. I asked him if I ever returned a sandwich before? He retorted no. I said to him, "I've been coming here for years and have never returned anything. Now I return one sandwich a month ago and bruise your sandwich boy ego and you need to try and humiliate me in front of all these people". He quickly moved to the end of the counter away from the crowd and signaled me to come down there to him. I told him out loud he started this BS in front of a crowd with his uncalled for remark and now that he's looking like an idiot he wants to take it to a quiet corner. I told him he should he should stop cowering and come back and make the damn sandwich. He wouldn't move. Everything was at a standstill with this Mexican standoff. The crowd, other employees, sandwich boy and me were silent and waiting for someone to make a move. Finally after about a minute I left. Not sure if I'm allowed back in Frank's supermarket. I think I need to start making a list of FTD No-Go places.

I need to lose weight, so getting banned might help me. 

As much as I'm trying to lead a normal life, it's just not working. Friends invited me to go away for this holiday weekend, but I declined. I was going to but I haven't been doing well lately going away and I don't feel like camping. I'm not a snob, but I don't feel like sleeping in a tent with a dog that continually likes to snap at my ankles. Plus, I just really don't feel like going away. Guess It'll be a McBucks '181' weekend at the local Starbucks. I need to get back on track with filming and my book anyway. I've been unproductive lately and it's really difficult for me to live with myself this way.

Still looking to stabilize my path. All I can do is go one day at a time and what happened yesterday, was lifetimes ago.

Howard 

FTD'ed and Exhausted, so What.

Someone whom I'm in contact with wrote to me last night that she noticed my work week starts on a Monday and ends on a Monday. I've been working 7 days a week. This is what I do. I don't even realize it. Being medically retired means the normal work week doesn't flow from Monday to Friday. It just flows with no beginning or end.

It is by no means your normal schedule. My neurologist has had me taking 10mg of Melatonin to try and help with sleep and it's been working. I'm now up to about 5-6 hours a night. Still, I can't shake the on and off exhaustion during the day. I arrive at Starbucks between 6-7am and return home by 10-11am. Things aren't easy as they used to be. A year ago I used to be running outside, filming "Howard's Brain", and would be working on multiple tasks easily switching back and forth. Now I need to totally focus on one thing at a time and that's even difficult.

My main areas of focus now are my Blog, Book and FTD Patient Support group. I'm trying desperately to stay on top of these and not let them drift. It just seems like I'm having such issues staying focused and just have waves of exhaustion hit me. I'm usually exhausted and it feels like my brain has shut down from late morning till mid/late afternoon. Then I catch a 2nd wind for a few hours.

One theory is that since there's substantial atrophy in part of the brain, the healthy part needs to work aggressively to make up for the damaged part. This mean using 10-20 times the amount of energy and time to get through easy reading and functioning. 

Some use medications to help push them and keep them going.  I've had to many issues with side effects and really don't like or trust what we call modern medicines. I've been incredibly successful with behavioral techniques in helping manage some of the symptoms of FTD. I prefer not to dull my senses and brain. I've also been very fortunate and lucky as to how FTD has been affecting me. Each case of FTD is different and there's no crystal ball on what will happen to each individual. 

Reading and comprehension continues to become more difficult. Seems by the time I get to the 2nd or 3rd paragraph, I lose the beginning. Sometimes I already know the statistic of an upcoming page or paragraph and realize I've read the same newspaper article over and over perhaps a half a dozen times. When it comes to TV, I can only follow the simplest of plots. Any movie that has subplots or complicated topics I lose track of. When I realize I don't know what's going on, I usually shift back and forth to my computer.

Writing is a different story. I can write freely, but it becomes an arduous task to edit or review my own writing.

One routine change I will be making this week will be adding going to the gym a couple of times a week. I'm not sure how this will affect me, but I'll find out. I'm also going to cut my Melatonin intake by half from 10mg to 5mg. Hit or miss, we'll see what happens. I would love an extra hour or two a day of functionablilty.

A friend has volunteered to help me get back back on track filming "Howard's Brain" a couple of hours a week. I need the help. It's become so difficult trying to keep everything going and keep up on my projects.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm doing great and will keep plugging away at life. We all have obstacles in life and just need to keep finding ways to circumvent. I might be getting less done than last year and have less money, but my quality of life continues to improve. What is important to us in our lives? I had to go to hell and back to find out. What I used to think was important and substantial now seems silly. Does this mean I'm being critical or judgmental of anyone else's life. Absolutely not. I just found my own path that works for me. I've accepted what my life is and will continue to make the best of it every moment of every day, every day of each week, every week of each month and each month of every year. 

Howard

FTD and Making a Life

I'm still here today and I'll be around tomorrow. Once again I'm trying to thrust myself into non-FTD mode. Yes, lately FTD has been getting the most of me and I've been consumed at managing and living  with it instead of living and letting it just be. It's a delicate balance between over thinking and burning out.

It's easy to get caught up in being your own caregiver. Life turns into caregiving and not living life. People ask me how I can do it. Guess what, I have no choice. I do have some help but most of everything falls on my shoulders. I get letters all the time asking what I'm doing for long term care and future plans. I've been looking into it for a few months and considering I'm dead broke. The options are really bad and depressing.

Time to get back to basics. I'm living for today. I was at my neurologist a few weeks ago and besides a bit of a decline in cognitive skills, I'm doing fine. There is no crystal ball when it comes to FTD and I'm not going to get caught up in "end of life" plans, but will instead concentrate on "quality of life" plans.

Yes, I know I have behavioral issues, memory issues and other FTD symptoms. In the last 2 years besides being diagnosed with FTD I've also had to battle cancer and heart disease with a heart attack and 3 stents inserted. 

I'm returning to my motto that FTD can hang out, but my life is mine. 

FTD, cancer and heart disease can get in the back of my line. I have a life to live and live it I shall. 

Hey, I have charitable help with meals, God's Love We Deliver and people helping me survive financially. Is my life is what it used to be? No and it will never return. Have I fully accepted it the way it is now. No, I miss my old life, but it's gone and I need to rock and roll. That means kicking myself in the ass every time I start feeling sorry for myself or start heading towards victim mode. 

To many patients and caregivers are victims of their own minds. 

We all have the right to live a good and fruitful life with purpose and happiness. Does shit happen and things get real bad and real ugly. Yes, that just means we've got to dig in and work even harder to make a life.

I have a life and will continue to make it better. What about you?

Howard

Been a Good Week

Last weekend my girlfriend and I ended our relationship. It's hard to deal with the finality of FTD. I understood. She needed and I wanted for her someone with a "lifetime plan", not an "end of life plan". Of course there were other variables I won't get into.

It was the right choice. We both knew from the beginning it wouldn't be a long term plan. It just happened to be bad timing in the sense of when in our lives we met. Hopefully I'll be catching up with her in a future life. Of course all week I've thought about her beauty, intelligence, sarcastic wit, eyebrow raise and many mannerisms. I kept putting her back into my mind, not an ordinary miss or loss. What I decided last weekend was I was not going to collapse. It's so hard accurately translate to the reader the effects of change of routine, loss or dramatic change can be with someone with FTD/Dementia. That pesky parasite, depression is always hanging around and once it settles in, it's tough to exterminate.

 I decided I was going to get through this unscathed. No matter how I slept, no matter how I felt I wasn't going to deviate each day from the routine I recently set up. Guess what, I had a great week. i stuck to my plan and each day was smooth. Did I think of my ex. Yes, all the time she travelled with me in my head. The apathy of FTD was definitely there. There wasn't the heartbrokenness of relationships past. She kept popping into my head during all the usual times day and night. But it was pleasant thoughts of all the things I love about her, not a desperate longing and vacancy in my heart. 

I've accomplished much in the last year, but I've slowed way down. I avoid the public much more these days. I'm satisfied with my minimum schedule and where I'm not becoming a hermit or isolating myself. I've become much more comfortable and feel safer being out of harms way and spending much more time alone.  I will no longer be pushing myself to be out in social situations or take part of different things. I find myself recently getting quieter on purpose. Yes, I have my moments in grocery stores, Starbucks etc. But on the whole I'm trying to get into a more peaceful existence and want to stay out of the publics eye with my outlandish FTD behavior. Can I control this. Not really, but I find by limiting social exposure and overstimulation I feel a lot better.

I was thinking yesterday about my thought process now and what has changed compared to a year ago.  A friend of mine told me nothing has changed in my life besides my thought process. He's so right and I could say it's scary but in actuality it's become a lot less scary. 

To be continued.............

It's been a really good week and with my mindset and determination set to put my body in an accommodating place, I look forward to the same next week.

FTD Support Group Selected as one of the Best Blogs of 2012

Howard

FTD Support Group Selected as one of the Best Blogs of 2012

I was just notified and shocked that my blog was selected as one of the top 25 blogs. My blog made the top 10 and was ranked number 9. I'm humbled and want to thank Healthline and the 25,000 readers who visited this blog as it crossed it's 1 year anniversary.

(link on bottom for full results)

Here is a link for the full results.  
http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-alzheimers-dementia-blogs

Had to cancel my sons visit from Seattle last night. Just not enough money for airfare and expenses. He is 14 and needs me at this stage in his life. Funny that I have to grasp for feelings and think feelings through to make sure I have and show them. Sometimes there foreign and sometimes closer to home. There's always Christmas. Slept only 1 1/2 hours last night but so what. I made sure I made it here to Starbucks for a few hours in the morning. I somehow keep having to convince myself I have a good life and have to fight to be happy and productive. I'll never give up. 

Howard

Monday Morning with revision*

It's Monday and I've been at Starbucks since 6am. After months of struggling I'm happy to be back into  a routine 6-7 days a week. My day consists of Starbucks 6-10 or 11am then home. Last year it was 6-9am so I guess I'm doing better. When I get home from my few hour stint at Starbucks I'm exhausted. I'm usually done till the next day. Could I do more in the evenings and afternoons. I really don't know. When I'm tired and by myself it seems I have a lot less control over myself. I spend most of my time alone and that continues to increase. I do feel safer alone. I do not like incidents with people and I don't like my behavior. I've had incidents with moderators at one support group I visit regularly. I've received many private messages and emails about this. To be honest, I don't know if what I've written is right or wrong. Meaning it might've been offensive to someone. If  it was I apologize to those people and the moderators.


My behavior is normally within reasonable bounds for who and what I am now. Who I am now is not who I used to be. I don't like being out of control. My functionalbility has declined and I'm getting worn down. I'm spending more time by myself and find myself getting easily irritated.


Sometimes I go with a friend to Costco or a ride somewhere, but for the most part I really don't do much. The few hours I spend at Starbucks, I try to get my thoughts on paper. I try to articulate what my thoughts are like, where they come from and what life is like living this way.


Yes, I am aware that I'm unaware of what I'm doing and saying much of the time. What this means is I'm not sure what I'm doing is right of wrong. Usually after the fact, it hits me what I said or did either that or someone makes me aware of it. This is not a fun life.  I am not a rock star, movie star, celebrity or Siddhartha. I'm just a guy who got sick and is trying to make the most of life while I can. People say I inspire them. The truth is I'm in survival mode. I'm realistically scared of being out on the streets or an institution. People like me don't do well in institutions. We wind up drugged up or put in a secure mental facility. I will not be going this route.


A little history. Why did I start this blog? I started this blog because I didn't know what to do with myself. I only have a few good hours a day which are usually in the morning and a friend suggested I start it. It was a way I could describe what it was like living with FTD/Dementia and help others in the process. Writing also helps me understand what I'm going through. When I started this blog I was scared I would be shortly dead. There's a lot of scary stuff out there on the web. Much fact and fiction. My neurologist banned me from reading anything on FTD. I was consumed with death. A friend of mine with FTD wrote to me last week that I was consumed with FTD. He was right. I eat, breathe, write, film and think FTD. I drive everyone around me crazy. I've successfully  isolated myself so I don't have that many friends around me any more. Most are new victims to me.


I receive really nice comments from people all the time. They are deeply appreciated. Last night I received a comment letter that was incredibly vicious and bitter. It was from a Kathy R and had absolutely no merit, credibility or anything constructive in it.. It was based on her pain and anger. I've received letters and comments before questioning if I had FTD and why I'm functioning so well, but never something as nasty as this. It was the first time I deleted a letter. Kathy R if you want me to address your letter, you can send me an email at howardjglick@gmail.com and I'll respond. Otherwise you can start the "anti-Howard Glick blog" or join the "Kill Howard Glick club".

* Please note: I was contacted by a 2nd Kathy R from Maryland who is not a caregiver, she's a patient and in constant contact with me. This is not the Mary R who wrote the comment.

 Even though my mind is withering and filled with scary and confused thoughts a good deal of the time I try and keep my mindset positive.


This isn't the life I've chosen and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But "it is what it is" and I have no choice to go on. What else is there? Suicide. Tried that and learned two things. One thing is that I'm not good at it and the other was I had FTD.


Howard

FTD Routine - back on Track

First of all I'd like to apologize anyone I offended on my last blog on appropriateness. Some of what I wrote at the time I wrote was inappropriate and I've since deleted some of the passages. The blog was answering many questions that caregivers were enquiring about and some of what was written was offensive.


I used to be a very capable person flying 120 flights a year, 200+ nights in hotels, rental cars etc. There was no travel agent. I needed to book everything myself at competitive prices and then organize work at my destination. Today, I can barely make it through a day. Each task takes a ridiculous amount of time and energy.


For the last year I've been going to Starbucks '181' daily. It was my base of operations and I recently learned how fragile my life has become. It was months ago that Starbucks renovated and I've been struggling ever since. Starbucks '181' turned into a crowded, noisy place. The speakers were blaring and people were shouting to be heard over the speakers.


Of course in the middle of this mess I went to Seattle which made everything twice as difficult. Not only was that trip difficult, but I've been like a hobo since I've returned. Each week I've been trying new Starbucks and different venues. Starbucks decided to turn up the music volume in all there stores. That, on top of me being very sensitive to sound has made things difficult and frustrating. "God's love we deliver" charity food service has been a godsend, except it's taken a while to fit that into a routine.. They deliver Monday, Wednesday and Friday between 8:30 and 4pm. Memory Club, my support group was on Tuesday.  So my schedule looks as follows:


Monday:       GLWD
Tuesday:       Memory Club
Wednesday:  GLWD
Thursday:      Blogging somewhere - Starbucks downtown 
Friday:           GLWD
Saturday:        Domestification day
Sunday:          Blogging Somewhere - Starbucks downtown


I only have a few hours in the morning where I can really focus. I went from going to Starbucks 6-7 days a week, to not at all. I used to go to Starbucks before Memory Club and now that was out. The worker at Starbucks 181 told me arrogantly that they were going to keep the volume high even though they knew customers were complaining. He told me the "needs of the whole, outweigh the needs of the few" and many liked the volume high. He must've thought we were in a Star Trek episode and not a coffee shop.


It reached the point that I didn't know where I was going or what I'd accomplish each day. I decided that I needed to get my routine in order. I was spending many a day not even leaving the house. My filming dropped to minimum levels and I was turning into a House Potato. Change of routine is incredibly difficult with FTD or any type of dementia. The longer this chaos went on, the more difficult it was to change.


I needed to make some tough choices and implement difficult decisions to get back on track.


God's Love We Deliver was a godsend, only problem was I had to be home 3 days a week from 8:30am-4pm awaiting there delivery. The first 2 out of 5 times they didn't show up at all, nor did they call. There food is restaurant quality and helped me get past my day to struggles figuring out what to eat and also was saving me money. It was killing me to stay home all day, 3 days a week. I called and cut it down to 2 deliveries a week and them finally we worked it out where they would deliver 5 days of food once a week.


Next, my beloved Memory Club support group. Memory Club gave me the tools to learn to live with Dementia. I've been going there 11/2 years and had many friends. Not only did I get a lot out of it, I felt I contributed much to it. The facilitator, Carmen Nunez was the best group leader I've ever seen. Things change though. Where it used to average 8-13 people showing up, it now dwindled to 2-3. I kept going to support the group, but was no longer getting out of it what I used to. I decided to take off  the summer, get my routine back in order and evaluate later.


As luck would have it, my blog and the Forbes article on Starbucks actually got the attention of the District Manager of Starbucks as well as his boss. I spoke with both at length. I also explained how sad it was that many in the community no longer went there because it was no longer customer friendly. There were plenty of complaints besides the articles and the Starbucks corporation did take actions to partially return McBucks '181' to Starbucks status. The new speaker that was blasting was removed and put in the back of the store so customers no longer had to shout to be heard over the speaker. The long hard bench they installed had a comfortable custom made cushion put over it. The tiny tables still sucked but I could live with that. I also picked up a pair of noise reduction headphones before they moved the speaker and this now adds extra comfort. 


My McBucks '181' had returned to full Starbucks status. Many of the old regulars still will not come back, but I'm glad I don't need to take the subway downtown anymore. The store is still at least half empty a good deal of the time. In fact, I just came from the counter getting my free refill and thanked the manager and staff for screwing up the store because it's so quiet being half empty a good deal of the time. They snickered and sort of laughed.


Have been coming back here every morning for about a week now and I'm feeling so much better. No more getting up in the morning not sure what I was doing.


My new schedule:


Monday:       McBucks '181' - Book writing - Filming
Tuesday:       McBucks '181' - Blog- Filming
Wednesday:  McBucks '181' - Book writing 9:45am GLWD
Thursday:      McBucks '181' - Blog - Filming
Friday:           McBucks '181' - Book writing - Filming
Saturday:        Domestification McBucks '181' - Netflix
Sunday:          McBucks '181' - Book writing - Filming


I'm also working on an early evening schedule. Ideally, I'd like to have a couple hours of being productive in the evening. Twice this week I went out, backpack on and wandered for about 45 minutes before going home undecided. I'd also like to get in a couple of workouts at the gym each week. Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day, but I'm confident I'm heading in the right direction.


Howard

Inappropriate Behavior. Who cares? I don't or do I?

Was cruising the aisles at Trader Joe's yesterday and happened upon a refreshing clerk stocking the shelf. Of course I gave her a big "hi" and she responded with a brilliant smile. I told her how I haven't seen her in a year or so and how great she looked. She lost weight, looked fit and had an overall aura of happiness. She thanked me and reciprocated with a compliment. I asked how life was treating her etc. We talked for about a minute and caught up on each others lives while laughing quite a bit. I was not making a pass at her, just saying what came into my head. My friend Howard was right next to me. He was embarrassed at my FTDish behavior. and ushered me on. Of course Howard knew that this was the first time I've ever laid eyes on the Trader Joe's worker. Howard always tells me I need to control myself and I always tell him, "it's not me, it's FTD".

Half hour later in the upper scale, upper east side we watched an upper class. well groomed gentleman threw a plastic bag on the sidewalk. I shouted out the car window, "pig".  Howard and I had the discussion of me not saying something to everyone about everything. We should've been discussing can I control it and is it even important to me. So, am I aware and can I shut up. Yes, I am aware that I say whatever is on my mind in any given moment. I don't shut up and am aware that it's Howard Glick FTD. I'm aware that I'm unaware of what I'm exactly saying as I'm saying it, but I'm aware my mouth is ramped up and I'm talking when I should be silent. I know I shouldn't be saying something, but I don't care.

I try to measure the amount of energy I put on controlling what I'm saying. If I monitor myself all the time, I put myself in a perpetual state of exhaustion. Meds just put you in a cloud and once you start on that your mind will slip faster and your quality of life will slip. Some do need the relief of meds or need to be controlled by meds. For me, my path is taking FTD head on with my relief coming from mindset.

There are many stages of FTD and each person and caregiver has different ways of dealing with it. I went through the cursing stage for years. Now it has mellowed. I've worked very hard on minimizing the amount of cursing and I've had help. About  a year ago I cursed in front of my ex-girlfriends child and her response to me was quick and furious. I remember it like it was yesterday. Since then I have worked hard at knowing when I'm cursing, especially around children. Did it curtail overnight. No, it's taken a while, but It's nominal compared to what it was. I took my girlfriends "quick retort" everywhere with me and she is always in my FTD mind reminding me to keep it together.

Sexual inappropriateness is another fun FTD stage which is rough and wearing on caregivers. I've been going through it for a couple of years now, but it's subsided compared to what it used to be. Funny, I'm sitting here at Starbucks checking every woman out. That probably puts me in the same arena with 99% of the dysfunctional male population. What makes an FTD'er different is we just don't glance. We make remarks and some people actually touch people. Hypersexuality is common. It's crazy that progressive neurological disease can give a 54 year old a libido of a 15 year old. I was once laying down with my girlfriend and she was discussing something particularly painful in her life. At one point she stopped and said, "Are you hitting on me". I didn't even realize I started fondling her and wasn't even paying attention to what she was saying. I told her I was making a pass at her and didn't even realize it. She was hurt, but lucky for me she gets FTD.

It was common for me to tell a woman on the street what great tits she had or make a pass at anyone I spoke to for more than a minute. My friends used to say something harsh and I would stop, but not really care. At night, everything I did and say would catch up with me and I's lay in bed crying. I found when I was with someone who knew me my behavior was better than when I was alone. The same holds true with all behavioral aspects of FTD. When I'm alone I easily get out of control without realizing it and when with someone I know I'm more aware and in control. Especially if the person I'm with makes me aware with a harsh tone. Sort of sinks in for a while. So, what does it mean that the sexual inappropriate stage has somewhat subsided. It means I'm not totally out of control as I used to be. I'm still unaware when I'm saying things, but I'm saying sexual remarks every day in the way of compliments of jokes. (Still at Starbucks and my doctor just walked in and said hello. She is very attractive, wearing shorts but I don't look at her in a sexual way or think about her in a sexual way. I don't, never have and in control. I never check with children or nuns of touch anyone. We are broken, but many of us stay on the edge of keeping it together). We're not different than anyone else on this planet. People with FTD are sick, but each person and case is different. Where I can make it without meds, plenty need them to stay in control or feel better about there life. Quite often caregivers need to give there loved ones strong drugs like seroquel etc. There is only only so much a caregiver can take and when there safety, sanity or there FTD loved ones safety is an issue, then you have to do what you have to due. The problem is how much do you dull the brain and will that make the person with FTD fade even faster and lose his or her sense of self.

I still make comments how great someone's butt. breasts, arms or calves are. The difference is it's never as ugly as it's used to. Maybe it's how I'm saying it now. It can be that I'm also sitting here deluding myself, making a bad situation tolerable. It's also where you live that makes a big difference. I live in NYC where I can say just about anything without anyone blinking an eye. If I were Iowa  or Southern England, I'd probably be institutionalized or drugged up. I've also never touched anyone, nor will I ever touch anyone. I will also never get violent.


Writing to me is the same thing as blabbering with my mouth. I write freely without a filter and I don't care. I've been thrown out of Forums and groups. Some ask me to try and filter myself or they will filter me. If FTD groups can't deal with FTD members than they shouldn't say the group welcomes FTD patients. Yes, I'm sensitive to the fact that caregivers go through hell taking care of FTDers. But you can't tell someone with FTD they have to be normal. There is no on/off switch. Yes, I use strange FTD humor as levity and I might be a bit insensitive because I write, don't think. When someone says they are going to freely modify my posts or responses like they do there husbands, I want to tell them to F(ftd)Off. Sorry, my words are my words and I work to hard evaluating my feelings and actions to let someone flippantly change them. I read plenty of posts about extreme violence and medicine/chemical abuse. They are extremely disturbing and graphic. People with FTD do not need to read and get disturbed by these. I remember being sent into a tizzy thinking I was going to get violent because I had FTD. I was reading caregiver strings which like FTD'er strings need to be carefully evaluated. I did my research through AFTD and other qualified research centers and found there is absolutely no evidence that someone with FTD will turn violent. FTD patients and caregivers need to be tolerant and give each other leeway. Sometimes it is better that the paths of support for patients and caregivers stay separate. I will continue to try and bridge that gap, but now have people from certain groups write me directly in situations that need in depth answers. This way I maximize my time and don't need to worry about offending someone or more often someone worrying about me possibly offending someone.

My former partner and caregiver used to say she used to have to take care of me almost like I was a child. I was on up to 17 pills a day being misdiagnosed as bipolar and didn't even have a chance of controlling myself. It's my belief is that the inner strength we have as people helps us control things to a point. Each person is different with FTD and how they weather adverse conditions. Much of it is flat out desire, mindset and determination to make the most of life and not give up. My reality is I lost my family, career, friends, money and comforts of life. I can never work again as my life slowly slips away. 2 years ago I was told I had FTD and I needed to make my "end of life" plans.

Well it ain't over yet and I've rebuilt. Giving up isn't in my vocabulary. In the last year I've started and maintained a successful blog which is about to pass 25,000 visits whatever that means, filmed 130+ hours in Howard's Brain, a documentary film on me living life with FTD which will be put together by the brilliant filmmaker Joe Becker and started the first FTD Patient Support Group which has 48 members. I also have a girlfriend I love very much who puts up with me and my FTD ways. 8 years ago I was making $100k+ and had a wonderful normal life. Now I have a very self gratifying life and know in my heart I've made a difference in many lives. There can be no greater calling.

Is my life now fun and peachy. I don't know. In the last month I've lost my Food Stamps, Medicaid and my case against Unum is on life support. My health is slowly declining and I'm living off the charity of others. Of course I worry what if the help goes away and I can no longer afford to exist. Checkmate. Yes, I say checkmate in justifiable panic, but guess what? I'll find a way and keep going till there's nothing left and they peel me out of my Manhattan apt.

Thank you all that support me and help give me the determination to get up every morning and try and make a difference.
Howard

Get Out The F Door

It's 6:10am  and I'm safely seated at McBucks 181 with my ice coffee in hand. It's sort of nice being the only one here besides the workers. It's Howard's time. This is the highest level functioning hours of the day. Getting to this point and into my seat is no easy feat.


I've been up since 1:30am having slept about two and a half hours. The melatonin just isn't working. Had cheerios at 5am and then watched Romney make an ass of himself insulting the British.


Then it hit's. I'm exhausted. Okay, do I stay home and rest and maybe try to catch a couple of Zzzz's or do I get my ass in gear and "get out the Fucking door" (GOTFD). Every FTD molecule in me has me laying there not moving and trying to shut down and not think. There's this FTD haze that we go into where we can just do nothing and not think about. This can go on and on until we let FTD's number one enemy enter the picture. That would be that pesky parasite called depression. Depression can take over your body and soul. For me it's not a matter of fighting off depression, as it is letting it in. It is banned.


GOTFD I shout to myself and I'm out of there leaving that pesky parasite in the dust.


Next, get something done. I need a sense of accomplishment each day. I have that burning desire in me to get something done. Blog, film, post, mail etc. It doesn't matter what. I cannot go home without getting something done and feeling great about myself. No, not good about myself, great about myself. Life is tough with FTD and doing okay doesn't work for me. I need to excel and excel I will. There is no choice, there is no failure. Mindset is everything. Every day I will battle pesky parasites, unawareness, inappropriate behavior and memory loss. That's just internal, never mind the world. Every day I will win.


Most days I get home exhausted between 11am and 1pm. I get home and there's no guarantee I'll get out of the house till the next day. One thing is for sure. Another day has gone by and I'm woking my ass off to stay highly functional with FTD. I will never get complacent and let that pesky parasite depression in.


It's now 7:21 and I have this blog done. I've kicked ass and told FTD to F(ftd)off. Hope this helps someone out there.




Howard

FTD and Cooking Fires

Last week I awoke mid-day to the smell of burning paper. No smoke, just a faint smell. Something was amiss.  I went to the kitchen to find my window fan on high and my friend Barbara, who was there earlier gone. I texted her asking if there was a fire. She replied that I had the God's Love We Deliver" meal in the oven and had the wrong setting on and the cardboard top burned. I wrote back "Oops".


Barbara of course was worried I would start a fire. I wrote back my fire prevention strategy. I told her that when I cook the oven timer is on and the oven goes off after a while. I also have a timer on my cell phone I use all the time. The problem isn't forgetting things as much as getting distracted. I get distracted so easily. If a timer goes off and I'm typing or doing something, poof-it's gone.


Like everyone with FTD/dementia, I try to develop a fail-safe end game strategy that works. I have a smoke detector which is not attached to the wall which is movable. When I'm cooking I place it on the kitchen table in my small kitchen. I then close the door tight so if my food accidentally starts to burn the small room quickly fills with oven smoke. In case all my strategies fail and my food starts to burn, my smoke alarm turns into an ear piercing get your ass in gear timer. 


When I cook a steak or hamburger, the smoke detector is my timer.


The screaming piercing wailing of the smoke detector timer has me in the smoke filled kitchen in an instant. I quickly shut the oven off and remove the screaming smoke detector from the kitchen and place it in the living room where it goes off fairly quickly. I'm then back in the kitchen opening the windows and turning on the venting fan. I keep the door closed so the smoke stays contained to the kitchen. I then check my precious meal which is always still edible. 


Food prepared and life goes on. 


To me, this is business as usual. FTD in action. To Barbara, she was hysterical laughing/horrified that I was using my smoke detector as a food timer. 


I explained to her it was all contained and just smokey, never a flame fire. She looked at me cross-eyed and told me we're going to Home Depot for a fire extinguisher just in case. 


I should start selling FTD certified smoke detectors.


Life as an FTD'er.


Howard