FTD and Decision Making

We all make choices in life. We determine what the best possible path is and then we take it or we don't. If we don't take it it's because it's to damn hard or we're letting fear dictate to us. About ten years ago FTD symptoms began flourishing and my life began spiraled out of control. I lost everything a person can possibly lose. Even lost my will to live and attempted suicide. Failed miserably at that so I'm still hanging around.

Today I've a life to live. Nothing I could have imagined, but I dictate my life with FTD. Oh yea, I can fail miserably like the Uhaul move. I can also succeed wildly, like the Colorado trip. 

Because of the screw up move, I'm in my apartment with an airbag and some towels. My biggest fear moving into my apartment with nothing was getting out of the shower dripping with no way to dry myself. Been ruminating about that for a couple of weeks. Couldn't buy a towel because I've plenty packed. Can't waste the money so I've just been ruminating about dripping and air drying. Thank you FTD. Relief came in the way of my FTD friend Max in Colorado. I told her my fear and she gave me some towels for the road. Hence the fact that I'm now typing instead of drip drying. Sort of flooded the bathroom a bit this morning. No shower curtain or even a rod up :-)

Spent hours yesterday just trying to get electricity. All screwed up but in the end I got it. Will have internet some day when my stuff arrives and I can figure out how to set it up.

Last week a wonderful neighbor of mine Joseph wanted to round up witness neighbors and go to Uhaul and demand a refund. Yes, I FTD'ed the move, but only after the Uhaul movers I hired totally screwed it up. Joseph kept following up and calling and calling. He saw the whole debacle and wanted to help me. I couldn't fight that battle. I had time constraint and needed to get the new camera Joe Becker sent me before the Colorado trip. My decision was long term for "Howard's Brain".  Right now my apartment is empty and I need to purchase so much daily stuff. I honestly have no idea how my finances are right now. I know my expenses are much lower here in AZ but I lost my safety net whatever that is or was. I was lucky enough to have help from many of you and my mom who stepped up to the plate, but I guess my life is and always be walking the tightrope. All I know is I've a roof, a nice empty apartment, a used mini cooper to putt putt around. I picked that up yesterday straight from the airport. How exciting is that. I get to drive a few miles a day in a cool little car. Yes I'm thrilled and feel I deserve a bit of good shit in life.  I also have some friends at Arizona ALFA - Assisted Living Federation of American who will help me out a bit. I'm hoping to accomplish a lot here in the way of FTD advocacy. Just need a bit of direction and help. They might be able to help me out with some apt stuff from connections. Just about everything I had in the way of furniture is in NYC. 

Was just staring at this incredibly dressed western Arizonian beauty here in my new Scottsdale Starbucks haunt. She caught me more than once checking her out and smiled.  Wedding Band on. On the way out I stopped her and told her, "you look great". She took my hand and squeezed it and lit up a beautiful smile. Think we made each others day. This Starbucks is a half mile from my home. Woman in tight workout outfits in and out all morning. Must be close to a gym. Recipe for disaster for me and FTD :-)

Made my decision to get the camera set up, make the Colorado trip and forgo the battle with Uhaul.

So did I make the right decision. Met some of my friends from my FTD Patient Support Group. What great people and a great trip. Spend the first few days with Brenda and her family. Still am not sure if I made the right decision in leaving. Should've just stayed there and lived a happy life with Brenda and her family. 

Also met Max and many Colorado FTD'ers and 5 of us had a great get together and meeting in an Assisted Living facility in Denver. Filmed the whole thing. In fact, I've filmed about 12 FTD hours since leaving NYC. Most of it quality filming with FTD'er friends and there caregivers. Why is this important? "Howard's Brain" is about all of our struggling FTD family. "Howard's Brain" is not about Howard Glick, it's about how FTD rips apart and ruins the lives of patients, families and all those associated with FTD. Was with a patient Brenda last week who went to a neurologist to get 2nd opinion on FTD. The neurologist didn't even know what FTD was. How fucking enraging is that.

My hope is one day Joe Becker will make a spectacular film and when people hear the FTD, they won't think of a stupid fucking flower delivery company, they'll think of devastated families and lives and strive to find a cure. We've filmed way over 200 hours at this point.

So what is important to Howard Glick? Trying to get back Uhaul money for a fucked up move or using my limited resources to get my camera working right, getting to Colorado to meet people who I have a common bond with and get filming done which I hope one day will make the difference in many peoples lives. No brainer for this partial brained FTD'er.

Ive an apartment with nothing in it. Big deal.  Have good TV's and a nice putt putt car. Life is beautiful.

Am on my way to my first ever life time visit to Walmart. Can't even describe all the little shit I need.

Some of you have mentioned sending me gift cards to stores of living stuff. Costco, Walmart, Home Depot, Lowes, Fry's, Home Goods whatever. If you want, I could use a little help rebuilding. Just know that no matter what happens, I will keep advocating and kicking FTD ass till there's nothing left of me. 

Hey, just a letter would be nice as well. Just a little bit alone and lonely here.

I apologize to all that I've not been able to get back to lately. Thanks for your support and it will take me a while to catch up with myself. I owe many of you calls and responses. Am barely keeping up with myself, but I will catch up in a couple of weeks.

I don't have an easy life and I don't want one either. I'm perfectly happy chugging alone and doing what I'm doing.

Thanks and love you all,

Howard Glick
7791 East Osbourne Rd. apt 170E
Scottsdale, AZ 85251