Friday, August 2, 2013


Oh well. Saw my stuff yesterday. Everything piled up in a small basement room and the building needs it out. They even left the bed frame behind. Diana, the lady in the car is helping sell it. Dr. Laurie also offered to help. She just called me. I missed my appt. with her today. I know I put it in my phone calendar alarm. Will probably go off next year. Last night I sold my bedroom set. My stuff needs to get out. Sold or tossed out. Hey, it's just stuff. 

Guess the bed will be on the floor. Besides that, not a chair, table, dresser, kitchen table or anything for my new place. My whole Arizona apartment will have nothing in it except me, my bed on the floor and a disabled couch. That and the open boxes with who knows what damaged shit. Guess I'm going for the "wide open" look. 

Thinking about canceling my TV installation. Since that and my large pictures were laid down flat with boxes and stuff on top of them, who knows what shape there in. Have nothing to hang them with anyway. My toolbox with tools dating back to Israel was left behind to. Had some prized possessions in it. I feel so violated. Didn't take out insurance, I'm on the poor plan so I'll never see a penny. Contacted Uhaul a number of times. They're ignoring me and not responding. 

Was sort of hoping to have the place a bit like my NYC place so I'd comfortable. Silly fucking me. LOL

Many of you write to me all the time that your amazed at what I'm doing without a caregiver or family around. Loving people dedicated to keep FTD'ers out of trouble while we drive them toward's an early grave. I know I'm sick and getting slowly worse. I've FTD, no Chemo nor magic pill can help me. I'm living independently and doing the best I can. Yes, it's tough. 

At this point I'm pretty sure I FTD'ed the whole fucking thing. Bad decisions and not enough help. I thought I was planning and organizing this out well. I know now I needed someone with me throughout moving day with a full brain.  look at this whole experience. Loading a truck and then having it unloaded and ripping open all the boxes in the middle of a NYC street. Oh yea, FTD baby. Totally aware of what I'm doing, yet no idea how screwed up everything was getting. Of course now when I look back I had plenty of other options. Get a larger drivable truck etc. Could've switched gears, but for a dissolving brain which is hampering my thought process and existence. Each day and struggle I'm hoping helps people understand FTD. Behavior modifications and adjustments. I do the best I can and I know I'm slipping. This is a hell of a way to live, but I'm hanging in there and doing well. These days I'm letting go of my constant screwups faster. Really don't care. I'll get to Scottsdale and rifle through death sales and lots.

Yes, I'm losing my mind, but big deal. I'm going to keep living independently, going to continue to screw up and continue this frantic, fanatic FTD awareness drive of mine. The blog will continue, the documentary "Howard's Brain" will be filmed till I drop, my book, "I'm Aware that I'm not Aware" will be finished and my FTD Patient Support Group will continue on. Arizona is going to be a huge success for me and hopefully translate to others. There is no failure allowed in my world. I'm going to continue to kick FTD's ass all over the Universe. My resolve will not be dampened. 

BTW -  The filmmaker Joe Becker contacted me within 10 minutes of learning the camera got damaged. He's arranged for me to pick up a new one right now. Your the man Joe. The camera is not cheap.

My friend Sheila suggested I ask for donations here on the site. My main reason for leaving NYC is so I can try to live independently without fundraisers, donations or living on peoples generosities. I hate being a charity case. I'm doing what I can to reverse my retroeconomic situation. Didn't expect this to happen. People keep telling me I need to accept that I will always help.

Not the kind of new start I was looking for. I had really nice stuff. But it's only stuff. Enough mourning over the old. I'll be going for a Western Look in Arizona. Have some cattle grazing on my wide open living room. Hey, can use some pets for company.

If anyone wants to help, the donate yellow button on the top right of this page is still active. What can I say, I need help now and I guess I'll always need some. The real help I need isn't in a death sale or box of Lucky Charms. Maybe I'll get lucky some day and have that magical person appear. Do you believe in miracles? I do.

Love to all,


  1. When I win that lottery you can have as many herds of cows as you want!
    Plus the rest ....... keep on keeping on!

  2. My Mom, Susan Suchan, told me about your blog. She was recently diagnosed with FTD and we are all trying to wrap our brains around this horrible disease, what it will look like for our family, and how we can be the best support possible for my mom. I just wanted you to know that she has found so much peace reading your blog. She feels a connection I think, less "alone" if you will. She admires what you are doing so much and you inspire her to keep keeping on, even on the hard days. So as her daughter, who loves her more than life itself, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your journey, for being raw, honest, and candid about your struggles. You are making a difference in my Mom's life and I am sure so many others. So thank you, thank you, thank you!


Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.