Have been here in Arizona for less than 2 weeks. Love Scottsdale and hate FTD. I really don't like the me that's me anymore.
Speaking to my friend Marc last week he was telling me about the 3 Howard's. There was the Howard(1) pre-illness who was the Howard he grew up with since 5 years old. 40 years later at 45 the Howard he knew got sick. Quick and devastating, nobody knew what happened. Howard (2) 6+ years of up to 17 pills a day, 100 ECT's, in and out of hospitals, psych wards as well as experimental surgery. Marc and others thought I was gone forever. Then a suicide attempt, coma, 7 weeks in a psych ward being weeded off all the meds and what was left. Howard (3) or FTD Howard.
I feel like what's left is a shell of who I used to be. A year after FTD diagnosis everyone kept telling me I never talked about anyone but myself, never ask about anyone else, never say thank you. The woman I was seeing routinely got up and walked out on me after listening to tiresome rant of me and my life and never asking about her. Today, I make it a point to constantly be gracious, say thank you, ask others how they are and show appreciation for everything in life. Am I being a phony? Do I really care? Yes, I can honestly say that I think and care of others but just don't show it unless I prompt myself. Was discussing this with a fellow FTD'er a couple of weeks ago. She felt she was disregarding her husband and family. In the end, she realized she cared, just wasn't showing it in a normal sense.
FTD'ers and caregivers are drilled about apathy. We care, it's just a different type of caring. It also is difficult because often we're labeled by the medical community who of course can't be wrong. Keep eating pizza and you will get fat. As I said we still care and love, it's just shown differently.
Love, yes I love but it's different. Instead of heartfelt it's intellectual. It's no longer a bundle of feelings. I love a person for who and what they are. What they do or strive to do.
Have been getting friendly with someone here in Scottsdale. Was going to ask her out on a date. In our latest conversation it was disclosed that she's in her senior year of college. Mid 20's, what the hell is wrong with me. Never even thought about her age. Knew she was youngish, but didn't care. My daughters age. FTD sucks.
Have been very low key since moving here. I can't help having FTD or it's progression, but I can fight like hell to accomplish what I want. My priority here is continuing this blog and my FTD advocacy/awareness work. That is getting done. Am gearing up to continue my book September 1st after a long hiatus. Have an editor for when it's done and have gotten excellent advise from friends. Everything's going to go into it and then at the end things can be taken out if need be.
I'm missing the support I had in NYC. Every day something happens that makes me realize and appreciate the help I had. My banking is a mess. I've absolutely no idea what I'm doing, what I have and how to set up payments or take care of accounts. My second priority this week is finding a banker to help me. Mathew, the VP of Chase used to help me so much in NYC. I totally admit I'm lost right now. Have no idea where I am financially, but know I've taken action and cut my expenses way down by leaving my home and moving to Arizona. Hey, what I'm doing may not always be rational, but I'm trying and it makes sense to me.
The first priority this week I can't remember right now, but it's important.
Ah, first priority this week is my health. Chest pains continue to get worse so I need to find a cardiologist & GP alined with a local hospital before I pop out. To much to accomplish to die right now. Have had a heart attack, 3 stents and cancer to accommodate my FTD. Might need a valve or lube job. *I've not had a slice of pizza since I entered the state of Arizona. Haven't even thought about that till now. Haven't been to the gym,nor eating right. No kudos for FTD Howard.
Thank you everyone who has sent me gift cards and checks. It is deeply appreciated. Received a beautiful letter along with a check from someone from Texas. Normally, I would send a "Howard's Brain" thank you card. Well, my box of "Howard's Brain" cards, stamps and postcards are gone. Another casualty of Uhaul.
Arizona ALFA - Assisted Living Federation of America has really stepped up and helped me with a new microwave, tools etc. Really grateful here. Thank you all so much.
Heading back to my apartment. 10:30am Arizona time and I'm done for the day. Wiped out. FTD sucks. Sorry if this blog isn't lucid. Just needed to write this morning and keep going.
I just moved to Arizona. Any help in the way of Gift Certificates: Target, Costco, Walmart, Starbucks etc. or checks would be deeply appreciated. Or if you just want to write me a letter or a note, that would be nice. There's also a donation button on top right of this page.
7791 East Osborn Rd. Apt. 170E
Scottsdale, AZ 85251